Jacksonville, FL - Devious Subway employees withheld condiments from a construction worker two days ago. The man came in, ordered a spicy Italian sandwich, and those behind the counter refused to give the man the sauce he craved. In an effort to right the horrible injustice Subway caused, the man called 911 for police backup, then called back a few minutes later because the police were taking their sweet time showing up to this condiment emergency. It is with great sadness I must report the construction worker was arrested for improperly using the 911 phone number when he should have dropped the name of Condiment Man to strike fear into the villains.
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In Minot, North Dakota an advanced condiment waster, possibly The “Waster” or one of his minions, took aim at Debbie Kauffman’s Heinz ketchup, and with one shot wasted the entire bottle. Oddly, the condiment waster’s bullet traveled through a storm window, a regular window, the wood frame of a mirror, through a wall, across the dining room, through another wall, and into the cupboard, where it punctured the condiment bottle wasting the precious condiment.
Condiment Man investigated shortly after the incident, and found no sign of The “Waster” outside the house. While he hasn’t ruled his arch nemesis out, he is exploring the possibility that it was an inside job.
The Virginian-Pilot - April 15, 2007
At 10:50 pm an off-duty police officer stopped by a gas station to refuel his car. Three figures stood outside the store, two of them clerks, the other a masked man. Something seemed odd to the cop. The cop drew his gun and badge and cautiously approached the trio. Someone shouted, and the robber, who was carrying a gun, pushed the clerks into the store. On their way in, the robber shot at the cop, missing. The cop returned fire, hitting the robber in the chest as he ran down an isle.
The clerks cowered, the man behind the counter, the woman by the hot dog condiments. The shootout that followed ended when the robber was shot just below the nose and police arrived.
“It was so scary,” said the woman, “But I saw the cop acting so brave, and the condiment packets seemed in danger of being shot and wasted. I did what I had to do.”
The woman was recognized with a Friend of the Condiment award, an animated GIF file, presented by Condiment Man.
“Of course there are times when you need to put your life on the line for a condiment packet,” said Condiment Man, after the award ceremony, “The key, really, is knowing that these times are always. This nameless woman realizes that, so why can’t everyone?”
Establishments who fail to aid Condiment Man on his duty to end condimentlessness become an Enemy of the Condiment.
The first Enemy of the Condiment is Culver’s on State Line Road in Kansas City, Missouri. It has been reported that this establishment fails to provide ketchup to those who request it for use upon French fries. A local patron reports that he has asked for ketchup at the time of payment, but the cashier refused to take responsibility, and said to ask when the food was delivered. When the delivery person did not walk out to his car carrying condiments, the patron decided against asking for some. The patron returned on another day, and asked when the order was taken, hoping to get a better result. The order taker passed responsibility to the cashier, who again did not provide ketchup. The one time the patron was able to get ketchup from Culver’s, he was given two giant handfuls for a medium fry. This condiment hoarding and enabling of condiment waste has made Culver’s an Enemy of the Condiment.
You can help Condiment Man battle this Enemy of the Condiment by:
Submitting a Comment: Use the internet to remind them Condiment Man needs their help!
Giving them a Call (816-444-4700): Use your phone to let them know the drive thru needs condiments too!
The State Journal Register from Springfield, Illinois reported ketchup, barbeque, and Worcestershire sauce were smeared all over a residential property between 11pm and 7am on Saturday, September 16th.
Condiment Man sensed the condiment smearing at approximately 1:52am, shaking him out of a dream about dozens of racks of hot sauce. He boarded the Condiment Plane and arrived on the scene shortly thereafter, where he found a hooligan from the cult of The “Waster”. A fight ensued, ending when Condiment Man tossed the kid into the garage door, cracking it.
With the kid shown justice, Condiment Man flew back to Overland Park.
Bar Robber Subdued by Hot Sauce: A bartender in Glens Falls, NY punches a robber in the face, knocking him out. When the robber comes to, the bartender and robber struggle, then the bartender grabs some hot sauce and pours it all over the robber. The robber was led away by police, and the bartender was led away by Condiment Man.
A long lost story has been found and posted. Check out the latest Condiment Man adventure, Offline.
8/28/03: Fast Food Customer Dials 911 Over Condiment Charge: An Avon, Ohio McDonald’s customer was forced to dial 911 when the fast food establishment asked her to pay for a packet of barbecue sauce. Police were not able to solve the dispute. Condiment Man appeared shortly after the police left to give the woman the required amount of sauce before Condiment Kicking nearly every employee in the store. Ronaldo was not at the location at the time of the incident.
10/28/06: Mayo Masked Man: A man wasted mayonnaise when the smeared the delicious condiment across his face in order to rob the Harrisberg, Pennsylvania PNC Bank in Kline Plaza. Condiment Man confronted the man shortly after the robbery, forcing him to eat the warm and probably bad condiment from his face. The man promised Condiment Man he wouldn’t use condiments in such a way again, and was able to leave with the stolen money.
3/2/07: Wasabi Spill in Space Station: Astronaut Sunita Williams wasted wasabi sauce while pretending to make sushi in space. Condiment Man arrived shortly after the incident to fight the wasteful astronaut. The hero then made the astronauts find every last speck of the condiment, which was used by John Haroman on non-pretend sushi. The astronauts were so afraid of another Condiment Man visit, they locked the wasabi sauce away, saying, “It’s too dangerous.” This was Condiment Man’s first time using the Condiment Space Shuttle.
Fight! Kikkoman: Kikkoman, the soy sauce come to life, ensures food is flavorful by providing soy sauce to those in need. He also fights with ketchup, mayo, and mustard. Condiment Man is trying to negotiate a roadmap to a peaceful compromise between the feuding condiments.
