I looked the paper over, the writing forming sentences, and then paragraphs. It had almost everything about me on it. My powers, strengths, weaknesses, friends, and foes. I folded the paper up, and stuffed it into my belt. It was then I realized who these people were, scientists. I had seen them once before, last summer, but they had vanished as quickly as they came. We thought they were gone for good, but they just had to prove us wrong.
The lab coated ones pulled out notepads and pens, then looked at me with their scientific eye, scribbling down anything I did. I backed away, then turned and ran, their laugh echoing inside my head. I had gotten across the parking lot, when my Condiment Sense went off. It was coming from the Price Chopper in Rosana Square. I took a left, and sprinted to the supermarket.
A few minutes later, I could see it, towering over the cars in the parking lot. Following the sidewalk, I went past the optometrist’s office, turned the corner, and barely made it through the still opening door. I headed straight for the condiment isle, in hopes of restoring some of the missing condiments. But when I entered the isle, the shelves were full of condiments. Just one lone man stood in this isle, a man I knew, as Akmed.
“Akmed, have you run out of condiments?” I asked as I ran over to him.
“No, I needed you here, and that was the quickest way.” he replied.
“So you can do that too.” I thought back to the story Condiment Man Vs Laa. “You’re a CFaPOTE!!” I screamed at the Akmeded one, and reached for my remote.
“No, I’m not. Actually, I’m a CFaPOTE, Condiment Man’s Friend and Protector Of The Earth’s Stuff.”
“Oh, well that’s good, so how do you and Laa know how to set off my CS?”
“Well, a long time ago, in a country, far, far away, called Pakistan, I was born. I was trained in all kinds of martial arts, and magic’s with really silly names. CFaPOTE abducted me, and seemed to be friendly. In return, I had to teach their kid some magic tricks.
I taught her how to pull rabbits out of hats, how to saw people in half, and card tricks. The parents wanted something more, something more evil, so I taught her something I didn’t think would ever be used, how to set off Condiment Man’s Condiment Sense. Then her power drove her evil. Killing her parents, family. I barely made it off the ship alive.
Then I realized that if there was a Condiment Man, with a Condiment Sense, Laa could reek some major havoc. So I moved to America, the condiment capital of the world, waiting to see if a man of condiments would be born. I had my apprentice watch you as you grew up, and I sold you Pepsi all those years ago, watching and waiting until you became the superhero you are today.”
“Wow, what a neat story. Good thing Laa’s dead.”
“No, just headless. She must be killed now, while she’s at her weakest. Hurry, she’s at the zoo.”
“All right.” I said as I spun around, and started running off.
“Here.” Akmed said, then threw a blue ball at me, it hit the back of my head, making me turn around, and run after it. “It’s the mystic Ball of Blue.”
“Wow.” I said, rubbing the back of my head. “What’s it do.”
“It bounces. Try it.” I gave it a weak toss to the ground, then after hitting, bounced back up to waist level, when I caught it. “It’s also a false Condiment Sense activation blocker.”
“A what?” was my reply to his statement.
“It blocks all false Condiment Sense activation’s to the owner.” he replied to my reply of his statement.
“Thanks Akmed.” I said.
“No, it’s tanks.” he corrected.
I arrived at the zoo, or what was left of it. Most of the walls were torn down, and the animals were roaming around. I looked around, seeing lots of CFaPOTE guts, but no Laa. What could have done all this? I wondered. Then I saw Cow Defender, walking off with someone I had never seen before. Then it hit me, Cow Defender has Condiment Cow. I was going to need all the help I could get to take Laa down, for good.
I started following them, staying back at a distance, being as quit as I could. All was going good, until a stupid rock jumped right out in front of me, causing me to trip. I fell to the ground, letting out an “Oof” as I hit. I scrambled to my feet, and jumped behind a nearby bush.
“Who is that?” Cow Defender asked.
“Uhh... Pileofpaper Boy said nothing” I muttered.
“PB, why aren’t you home with PG?” he asked, slowly walking over to me.
The wind picked up, cooling my sweat covered face, “Pileofpaper Boy said nothing.” I nervously said.
“Pileofpaper Boy, come back!” Cow Defender yelled, chasing a newspaper down the street.
I stood up, and chased after him. After a bit of running down alleys, and through neighborhoods, Cow Defender finally caught up with it. “That was a nice run.” Cow Defender said to the section of sports, trying to catch his breath. “Yeah.” He said after a short pause, then opened the garage door, went in, and closed it behind him.
This must be his base of operations, Condiment Cow must be inside. I snuck in closer, to the side of the garage, looking for windows. There was only one, but it was up quite a ways. I ran next door, and took a garbage can, was about to jump on top of it, when the garage door started to open. I ducked behind the garbage can, and waited for the person to exit. Steven came out, closed the door, and walked off into the night.
“Well that’s weird,” I said to myself, “Cow Defender goes in, Steven comes out, and turns the light out on Cow Defender... Maybe Cow Defender is... Sleeping!”
Now was my chance, with Cow Defender asleep, I could quietly sneak in, and take back the sidekick that is rightfully mine. So, I stood on top of the garbage can, and slowly pushed the window open. I slithered inside, then looked around for Cow Defender, and my trusty sidekick, Condiment Cow. I spotted the spotted one standing on a chair, asleep.
“Shhh! It’s just me.” I said as I picked up my sidekick, then climbed out the window from which I entered.
We wandered through the neighborhoods, and alleys, retracing where Cow Defender had chased after that piece of paper. Eventually, the two of us made it back to the rubble of the zoo, ready for the final showdown with the nefarious Laa.
Two figures slowly approached. A headless Laa, with an ostrich through her was leading an chained Adam along like a little puppy.
“Akmed has sent me to dispose of you.” I said sternly.
“But, but I’m your sidekick!”
“Not you Adam, Laa!”
“...” said Laa.
She then pulled the ostrich out of her, and held its head in her hand. The birds head started to glow, and the poor ostrich stopped struggling to escape. Laa let go, and the bird looked at me. It started flapping around, making noises an ostrich makes, and soon, the sky filled with the silhouettes of all kinds of birds. All at once, they all dove at me. I covered my face as their razor sharp beaks sliced through my costume, making tiny gashes in my skin. Blood slowly trickling from each.
As I watched them fly back up into the sky, the ostrich impaled my thigh with its pointy beak. I pulled the crazy bird out, and flung it at Laa.
“Condiment Cow, you take the ostrich, I’ll take care of Laa.”
He jumped to the ground, ready for action. He bounced around, taunting the ostrich to attack. And attack it did. It charged the cow of condiments, its beak down low, prepared to go straight through Condiment Cow. But the ostrich’s low head also put it in range of my foot. Stepping backwards, my foot landed on it’s head, snapping its neck. The ostrich’s body flopped limply in front of Condiment Cow.
I on the other hand, waded through the pile of dead birds, and limped my way over to Laa. “Well, this should be an easy fight.” I said, laughing. Then kicked at her side. I jumped at her, she easily grabbed my shirt and threw me into the remains of an emu. I climbed to my feet, a little shaky after one of my best attacks was shrugged off. A little dizzy, I felt my self falling backwards. I tried to catch myself by stepping backwards, but my foot landed on something lumpy, and moving. I fell back to the ground, an ostrich flopping down next to me.
I jumped to my feet, and Laa charged at me. I dove to the side, springing to my feet with a somersault, Laa flew past, and tripped over the ostrich. She slowly lifted herself back up, then turned toward me. I pulled the mystic ball of blue out of my belt.
She raised her arms, slowly walking backwards. Not looking where she was going, she tripped over the cunning Condiment Cow, who had stood there silently, waiting for just this occasion. I lifted the ball of blue into the air, and instantly I knew what I had to do. I let the ball drop, hitting Laa in the chest, it bounced back up, then fell again, hitting her stomach, again, it rose, then fell, this time, in the ostrich hole. Slowly, the area around the hole turned blue, then spread all over her body. When she was completely blue, she crumbled to blue dust on the ground. I picked the ball up as the wind scattered her dust throughout the zoo.