The chair in front of the computer. In it, I was sitting. I was signed onto AOL, but I just sat, staring at the screen. Idle message after idle message popped up, “You have been idle for a while, would you like to say online?”
I slowly reached for the mouse, clicked “OK,” and continued staring at the screen. “OK” was always the answer I chose. First, because it was a yes or no quistion, with an apathetic answer. I didn’t care either way, but since I was bored out of my mind on these long summer days, saying OK gave me some odd satisfaction that I was doing something. Second, because OK was the only answer available.
No new mail, zero buddies online, but nothing better to do than stare at a dull gray screen. Not even a tingle in the Condiment Sense. Although it made me happy that there wasn’t anyone in need of condiments, it also gave me nothing to do.
I stared at the screen for at least an hour, then I thought I might go see a movie at the Quality. I signed off of AOL, when the amazing sky blue wallpeper on the desktop caught my eye. Seeing a movie vanished from my mind.
* * * * * *
Meanwhile, in a strange state called Missouri, a girl, in a strange state called normalcy, was talking on the phone, when the doorbell chimed. She made her way across the house, and pulled the door open. Blocking her view of the outside world were three men wearing white lab coats.
She looked at their strange attire, and said, “Hey, are you Josh’s friends? Oh weit, they all wear black.” The girl then laughed at her own joke, but stopped suddenly when she saw the expression on the lab coated one’s faces.
The ones decked out in lab wear had a look on their faces that one might habe if they had just been send on what they felt was a stupid mission, in which they had to drive around in the strange state of Missouri in an unair-conditioned white van whith other lab coated ones that felt the same way about the mission, then when they arrive at the objective’s house the objective made a stuped wise-ass comment about how they dress, and at the same time get called friends with their sworn enemy.
“You must be Loretta. Friend of Josh, or Hoj as he likes to be called. You both work at SouthQuality, correct? said a lab coated one.
“Well...”
“Answer the question!” shouted a guy in a lab coat.
“I...”
“Yes... or no,” said a lab coated one angrilly.
“Yes,” Loretta said nervously.
“Good, now take this pill, and all will be good,” said a guy dressed in a long white coat that one would normally wear in a lab, and would look silly if worn anywhere else, especially to someone’s house.
“What? No! You come up here, I have no idea who you are. I answer a question for you, and you expect me to take some kind of strange pill. You people are crazy!”
“No. We are quite sane actually,” one said matter of factly, “Take the pill, or we will shove it down your throat.”
Loretta slowly reached out for the pill, trying to keep her arm from trembling, and failing miserably. She took the translucent red pill from the man who’s lab coat was white, and a glass of water from one of the other lab coated men. She closed her eyes, downed the pill, and the entire glass of water.
The pill she had just taken was created by a group of scientists that were given the specific task of eliminating the troublesome Condiment Man. There was much disagreement as to ow this would be done, some of them wanted to nuke Overland Park, some wanted to hire someone to walk up to him and bust a cap in his ass, while others wanted to desing a pill that would be given to a friend of Hoj’s. The pill would screw with the brain a little, and give the person an odd kind of mind controver females, while at the same time creating an intense hatred for Hoj. The scientists lauged at that idea, but found they didn’t have the money for the other two options, so the idiot that thought of thought of the pill plan later became a hero, got a promotion, and soon after died while finding out if cement felt squishier if you hit it at a higher speed. The answer is yes.
“Goodbye,” said the lab coated men, the word echoed in Loretta’s head.
Thousands of goodbyes bounced around inside her brain. The world started to spin, and object grew gigantic, and seemend inches away from her face. When she would try to touch them, she felt nothingness, just the air passing over her arm. Loretta then fell to the ground, which she thought she was already laying on, and screamed, “The ground is squishy and smells like blue!”
She then passed out.
* * * * * *
At that very point in time, a man named Henry unknowingly bought a poisoned Fire Snapple from Price Chopper, then died. Hoj’s mind was then being mystified by the screen saver, and didn’t seem to notice the death of Henry.
* * * * * *
A short time later, Loretta woke up in that strange state called Missouri, dressid in a broken umbrella, a newspaper, and a watch that said she woke up just in time to get ready for work. She pulled the lettuce off her head, and ran inside to get ready, not remembering anything that had gone on in tha past few hours, and the feeling that whatever did go on wasn’t at all good, and it was somehow all Josh’s fault.
* * * * * *
It was about an hour after the screen saver had started, and the computer had been in suspend mode for quite a while. It was then I remembered I was going to see a movie. I headed into my room, stuck on my shoes, grabbed my wallet and keys, and headed down to the jeep.
Minutes later i was pulling into the Quality parking lot. I parked in my usual space, and headed up toward the theatre, wondering who was working today, and what movie I was going to see.
I paused for a second as I jumped up the stairs, remembering that horrible day when the wind turned against me that my co-workers just don’t want me to forget. I blocked the memory from my mind, and pulled to door open. The cool gust of wind that slammed into me was a nice change from the summer heat.
I waived to Angela, who was the box person. She was tolking to Loretta, and gave me an evil look as I walked past. I shrugged it off, since she usually gives me evil looks, and contunued around to the lobby. I found Jess sweeping up the floor around the concession. I was about to say hi to everyone, when Loretta said it to me first.
“Hello,” I said to her as she put her arm on my shoulder, and led me back toward the fish tank.
“So... what’s up?” she asked.
I was about to reply, when she punched me in the stomach. I bent forward, when she moved her that was around me to the back of my head, and shoved me at the ground.
I toppled over, and because my hands were heading to my stomach to guard against future blows, I landed nocely on my face. I rolled onto my side, laughing. Then she kicked me in the stomach. I stopped laughing.
I scrambled to my feet, and tan over to Jess, who had stopped sweeping, and turned to watch the skirmish. As I neared, her right hand quickly raised, then swiftly down on my cheek. Her slap made a nice slapping sound on my skin. It was then I realized what she said earlier was right, slaps are more shock factor, and don’t really hurt.
With Loretta and Jess against me, I looked over to Angela for help. She was still giving me an evil look, only this time she was doing it while holding a broom. I decided not to go near her.
“Un-wussy punch!” I heard comming from behind me. I then felt an un-wussy punch hitting me in the lower back. My arms flew up and back, then my knees buckled. Again I found myself on the ground, only this time with carpet burn. I let out a defeated whimper, knowing I couldn’t fight back.
As I laid there in the middle of the lobby with my eyes closed, I felt somehting poking me. I slowly opened my eyes, and saw Angela prodding me with the broom.
“Stop it leprechaun!” I yelled at Angela.
“Oh crap! Customer,” Loretta said angrily, “Jess, watch concession for me. I dont want Josh getting away.”
Jess nodded, and a few seconds later, appeared behind the concession counter, while Angela went up to the box office. Loretta pulled out a show schedule, and pretended to look at it.
I slowly got myself back on my feet, and wondered how I could possibly stop this horrible attack. I then started running. Down the 7-12 hallway I ran, Loretta just ten feet behind. Dodging all three customers, I passed up theaters nine and ten, and took off up the stairs to projection.
Luckily for Loretta, I tripped on a stair, and fell onto my stomach. I rolled over onto my back, and saw Loretta towering over me.
“Why are you doing this?” I screamed.
“You did something... I don’t know what. But it was bad. THese guys in white coats gave me something that gave me some crazy mind control powers so that I can take care of you. Get ready to be taken care of!”
“These people were wearing white lab coats?” I asked.
“Yeah,” said Loretta.
“What the heck,” I muttered.
Loretta then did an un-wussy kick to my knee.
I then scrambled to my feet, and limped further up the stairs, into the lair of the projectionist.
The bright lights of the Xenon bulbs lit up the projectors, providing the only light in the hallway. The sound of flapping film filled the area. I could see no one up here to save me. I contunued my flee down the hallway toward the stairs down to the lobby.
As the stairs neared, I felt something not unlike a splicer hit me between the shoulder blades. I couldn’t just scream ‘ouch!’ crumple to the floor, and wait for the pain to go away like I normally do as Condiment Man. To keep my secret, I would have to act like I was in severe pain.
“Ouch!” I screamed as I crumpled to the floor, “I’m in severe pain over here, unlike Condiment Man who would just be in pain. This really hurts. I don’t know if I can stand this kind of pain. I’m going to faint over here if this pain that is severe does not go away.”
With all my fake whimpering, I didn’t see Loretta pick the splicer back up, and stand in front of me, but that is just what she had done. She had the splicer held high above her head, with a look that plainly said, “I’m gonna throw this splicer at you, and I hope it hurts.” She brought the metal tool of projection back in a short wind-up, when someone we both knew appeared at the top of the stairs.
It was Steven.
I was never so glad that he roamed the theatre.
Loretta then turned toward Steve, still holding the splicer high above her head. Her mouth started to open, so that she may let out a taunt that would send fear through his every atom, when Steve spoke.
“What? You gonna tell me you’re gonna break me like the desk I am?”
It was then that Loretta growled, her facr turned red, and broke Steve like the desk he is. She then turned around to face me, but I was already heading down the stairs at the 1-6 side of the building.
I could hear her footsteps growing closer as I felt my way down the flight of stairs. My body hurt all over. It hurt to walk, my face stung a little, my back didn’t feel good at all, but luckily the broom proddings didn’t do any damage. Unfortunatly, with all of my thinking about how bad I hurt, I forgot to feel for the next stair, and tumbled down the few stairs I had left like a guy falling down a few stairs. I slowly climbed to my feet, and felt around for the light switch.
After finding it, I put it right in the middle, and walked quietly through the door, shut it behind me, and placed a few rope polls in front of the door to hold it shut. I grabbed a broom, and waited.
* * * * * *
Meanwhile, back upstairs, oretta yanked the door open to the stairwell. Seeing that it was pitch black, she flipped the light switch. It did nothing. She flipped it the other way, then back. It still did nothing.
She then started feeling her way down the stairs. Her hands slid across the walls as her feet felt for where the steps inded. Unfortunatly, all of her feeling didn’t mean much when she missed a step. She started to go down, but quickly grabbed hold of the rainling. Breathing a sight of relief, she contunued her way down. Once she made it to the bottom, she started running, expecting the door to open. But it didn’t. Loretta ran right into it, slamming her head agianst the unsoft wood, and fell backward.
***
Meanwhile, outside the door, I got into a good broom swingin stance, and waited for the door to open.
***
Meanwhile, inside the door, Loretta’s thoughts got jumbled. She could now remember the white lab coated one’s giving her the pill. How crazy everything had gotten because of it. She finally knew what was going on.
****
Meanwhile, back outside the door, I saw the former tree start to swing outward. Sweat coverec my hands, and made the broom slick. I trembled slightly as I fought with the morals that have been ground into me my entire life.
A poll slid out of the way, and the door opened quicker. I held tighter to the broom handle, thinking of all those years of baseball, all the coaches telling me about snapping the wrists, stepping forward with the left foot, and watching the bat hit the target.
I saw my enemy starting to come through the door, and started my swing. I did an overhead chop, snapped the wrists, stepped forward, and focused on the target. But this time the target was smiling at me. I was caught off guard by this. Was this just a trick? One devious trick to throw off my trap, or did she finally come to her senses?
Either way, it was too late. The broom came down on her head, snapping the broom in half. A drunken look came over her, and she fell to the ground.
With my enemy taken care of, I headed to the lobby to take care of the rest of my foes. Everyone looked back to normal, only Angela was giving me evil looks.
A surprised look came over Angela as she looked past me. I spun around, and saw Loretta staggering out into the lobby, rubbing a big red spot on her head. Loretta looked at me with sadness in her eyes, her lower jaw quivering.
“I’m... sorry,” Loretta said, and the tears started to flow. She came over to me, putting her hands on my waist, then put her head close to my ear. “I know your secret. I know you are Condiment Man, and I want to help.”
“Yeah. That would be cool.”