“You guys are under arrest,” the cop said.
“For what!?” I angrily replied.
“Well, you guys busted in here and ate all the cookies,” he said smugly.
“But... they attacked us.” I pleaded.
“Yeah, they had big teeth, and nice happy smiles, and...” Adam said while making fangs with his index and middle finger, and smiling really big.
“Get in the car,” the cop said as he walked us toward the car.
Adam and I climbed in, and the cop tossed Condiment Cow into the seat between us. A horrified look came over me as my sidekick landed on his face, then bounced up, ricocheted off Adam’s arm, then landed on his back, right between me and Adam.
“You’re... so... evil!” I screamed at the cop, my lower jaw quivering.
The cop flashed me a confused look, then slammed the door shut. He walked around to the back of the car, and pulled the trunk open. After rummaging around back there for a couple minutes, I watched him mosey up to the store where our last battle took place, and wrapped police tape around the area.
Just as the cop was finishing up, he bent down to the ground and picked something up. I couldn’t see what it was, our officer friend’s doughnut thickened legs blocked my view. He looked the thing over, then it lept out of his hand, and attached itself to his face.
“Cookie!” I yelled, pointing at the cop. I reached for my Ball O’ Blue, so I could use one of its many abilities that could get me out of this situation, but I found nothing but gum in its belt compartment. “Adam, did you take my ball?”
“Ehh... no.”
A voice filled my head, the voice of Akmed. “I realized the power of the Ball was way to great, so I took it back, but I left you some gum.”
“Well, tanks Akmed... I think...” I said unsuredly. “My sidekicks, looks like we’re gettin’ out of this one on our own.”
“Hmm... How are we supposed to do that CM?” Adam asked.
“It’s window kickin’ time!” I shouted. Adam and I laid on our backs with our hands against one of the doors, and kicked repeatedly at the window. After what seemed like dozens of kicks, the glass shattered, and bits and pieces fluttered to the parking lot below. “Go get ‘em Condiment Cow!” I screamed, and helped my sidekick make the long jump over to the cop eating cookie.
I slithered my way out the window next, trying very hard not to slice myself on one of the many shards of glass. After I was safely one the ground, I raced over to the battle taking place, and started biting at the cookie that was gnawing on the officers nose as Condiment Cow taunted the cookie with a barrage of insults.
“Get a room!” someone said as they passed by our fight.
We wrestled around with the freshly baked cookie until it perished, then fell off the cops face. The lifeless cookie hit the ground by my foot, its happy smile still stretching across its icing face.
“You believe us now?” I asked the cop.
“Vampire cookies? Now that’s new...” he said to himself. “Well... uhh... yeah, I guess you’re free to go,” he said while scratching his head.
“Sidekicks, to the Condiment Mobile!” I exclaimed. The three of us turned, and started walking towards the Mobile, when Cow Defender jumped down in front of us, only his costume was different. He no longer had the black spots covering his tight fitting clothes, and he had a piece of cardboard tied around his neck, with “Cow Defender” scrawled across it. “Evil condiment killer!” I yelled at him.
He gave me an evil look, then took off running. It took only a split second until I was in hot pursuit. I chased him past the Oliver’s, past the McDonald’s, down the slippery grass hill, and into traffic. Cars screeched to a halt as he flew in front of them, and narrowly missed getting turned into roadkill. I continued to follow close behind, jumping around the temporarily stopped cars, and narrowed the gap as we neared the parking lot of SouthGlen.
The defender of cows lept up the stairs, flung the glass door open, and disappeared inside. I entered the theater a second later, and he was gone. Slowly, I crept into the lobby, ready to pounce on the condiment killer. As I rounded the box office, there was still no sign of him.
“Hey, did you see that guy...” I said as I turned to face the person working in box, but there was nobody there. I looked toward the concession stand, no employees there either. A line of agitated customers went across half the lobby, and the teenage guys in front decided they would help themselves to some popcorn. Laughing uncontrollably as the bigger one jumped over the counter, and pulled a large tub off the popcorn warmer.
“Crap, the condiment bar!” I muttered, then dashed back the hallway.
As I rounded the corner, I found him, standing a few feet away, holding a mustard packet out in front of him.
“One step closer, and the mustard gets it,” Cow Defender said evilly.
I raised my arms in the air, and slowly backed away into the hallway. “C’mon Cow Defender, we don’t want to do anything we might regret.”
“I definitely won’t regret spilling this guys guts all over the floor,” the defender shot back.
“Think of his wife, and his little Gray Poupons.”
The hostage taker looked away from me, and watched a guy come out of the lobby with a few dozen hot dogs pass on my right. Quickly, I brought my right arm down on one of the hot dogs. Cow Defender ripped the poor wrapper in two, his tasty guts fell toward the ground. I rolled forward, and pulled the hot dog from the wrapper. When I hit the ground, the mustard was still falling to its doom. I shoved the hot dog under it, and the condiment landed right on the all beef Oscar.
As I held the hot dog into the air for the customer to take, the pain of flipping onto the hard tile floor ripped through my back. The guy quickly took the hot dog and dashed off to his movie, leaving me alone again with my enemy. Cow Defender was quick to counter, by stomping down on my stomach. My eyes clenched shut as the pain rushed through me. My stomach, still full of cookies, didn’t appreciate that much, and I felt the happy little buggers trying to fight their way back out into the sunlight. I prepared myself for the next stomp, but it never came.
Slowly, I cracked my eyes open. Standing over me was Adam and Condiment Cow, and stumbling backward was Cow Defender, clenching his nose.
I climbed to my feet, then lunged at him. I punched him a few times, but his infernal sign got in the way of my punches.
“Stupid sign!” I muttered, then tore the thing off of him.
That was when I realized it wasn’t Cow Defender at all, but an evil scientist wearing a Cow Defender sign.
“Adam, grab ‘em!” I shouted as I smacked him over the head with the cardboard sign. Adam scurried up, and held the scientist up against the wall. “So, scientist scum, what evil plan are you up to?”
“I’ll never talk!” the scientist yelled back, struggling to get out of Adam’s hold.
“C’mon, your plan will be much easier to foil if I know what it is,” I replied.
“Your silly tricks might work on other villains, but we scientists are a bit smarter than them,” the scientist shot back.
Then, a horrifying scream came out of the lobby. I ran out towards the sound, and saw the young guy that stole the popcorn. His mouth was opened wide, and his body started to shake. The popcorn tub fell to the ground, his eyes opened wide as he bent over, and grabbed at his stomach with his tensed hands. He fell to his knees, his head jutting forward, like he was about to throw up. The theif fell to his side, and laid there with a look of severe pain and fear. In a few minutes his body went limp, and a dozen pieces of popcorn burrowed their way out through his clothes.
The other customers crowded next to the fence separating the Hollywood Games arcade and the lobby. A look of fear covered their faces, and any concession items they had gotten were now a pile on the floor.
Adam came out toward the end of this incident, holding the scientist by the collar. Condiment Cow staying behind, probably to guard the condiment bar if the real Cow Defender did show up.
“Mwa ha haaa!” the scientist cackled.
Adam and I gave the scientist a disgusted look. “Adam, throw him in the warmer,” I said sternly.
Adam pushed our enemy over the counter, and shoved him into the warmer. The popcorn inside quickly flew up his arms, and shortly thereafter engulfed his entire body. He let out a gut wrenching scream, then felt around on the counters, eventually finding the blue bucket, used to transport popcorn. The scientist strafed to his right, and started filling the bucket with just about every flavor of drink.
Noticing this, I screamed, “Adam, he’s gone suicidal!”
After a few seconds of filling, he dumped the whole bucket over his head. A little after that, the corn melted into a puddle on the floor. What was left of the scientist was gasping for air, and leaning against the candy case. As he caught his breath, blood leaked out of every part of his body, making a bright red puddle under him.
“Stupid popcorn, I am your leader. Condiment Man and his sidekick’s are our enemies. So go get him!” He screamed, while pointing at us. Unfortunately for us, the popcorn obeyed. Like a river, the popcorn flowed at us. All the while, the scientist laughed, and dumped more kernels into the popper. “Mwa ha haa! Atomic batch!” he cried out as he dumped a carton of Flavacol in with the unpopped corn.
“Adam, distract the corn for a while,” I whispered to my sidekick.
As the corn chased him around the lobby, I jumped over the other concession stands counter, and pulled out the drink cup sleeves. I tore the thin plastic protecting them from the elements, and shoved cup after cup under the different drink flavors.
It seemed to take forever while they filled up, and the corn was slowly catching up to him. Finally, the familiar click of the spout shutting off sounded rapidly as they all stopped at once. I smacked a lid on each cup, then took aim.
I tossed the full cups as fast as I could, each of them revolving slowly as they cruised through the air, then exploded on the ground. Popcorn caught in the blast continued forward until it turned to mush. The surviving corn, knowing Adam was just a decoy, turned its attention toward me.
I watched them come at me, but someone blocked my view. I leaned to the side, stood on tip-toes, but they somehow got in my way no matter what.
“What!? What do you want?” I shouted anxiously at the person.
“So, are you guys open over here?”
“What? No!” I screamed angrily.
“Condiment Man...”
I looked to where the voice came from, and could feel my tensed, angry face turn to just the opposite when I looked to my left, and saw Laura propping herself up against the ice bin. Small scratches were scattered around her arms and face. “Looks like you’ve had a bad day.”
Her eyes opened wide as she looked up at me, then slowly nodded, and said, “Uh huh,” while releasing a deep breath.
“C’mon, let’s get you to the back room.”
“I hurt my leg, it’s hard to walk.”
“All right,” I put my arm around her, “let’s get goin’.”
As we entered the back room, the guy shouted at us, “So, are you closed?”
I pulled an oil bucket out from under the sink, and carefully sat Laura on it “So what the heck happened?”
“I was helping this weird guy in a lab coat. Got his drink filling up, then went to get his popcorn. Well when I started to put the tub in the popcorn, and this is gonna sound really weird, the popcorn came to life, and started to bite me,” she nervously said.
“Sounds familiar. So how’d ya hurt your leg?” I asked.
“Well, I ran outa there pretty quick. I tried to brush the popcorn off, but it wouldn’t come off. They got into my hair, bit my face, after a while I finally broke all of ‘em up. I didn’t want to go back out in front with the popcorn, so I ran over here. I came flyin’ through the door, and tripped on a stupid box of Mountain Dew, and hit my knee on the ground.”
“Well that’s no good,” I said empathetically.
“No,” she agreed.
Adam’s screams from the lobby were barely heard through the thick door, but I could pretty much make out what he was saying, “popcorn, incoming.” Although I expected it, I still jumped when the corn emerged from under the door. I grabbed hold of Laura’s hand, and took off for the other door, pulling the stoppers from the Bag-in-a-Box’s, and let the syrup flow onto the floor.
I headed for the manager’s office, hoping to be able to drop Laura off inside, but as we neared the fish tank, I saw in the mirror the now ocean of corn flooding the hallway to our left. The atomic batch came at us from the hallway ahead, where the manager’s office is located, and the few kernels that beat the syrup, came at us from behind.
We paused by the fish tank next to Condiment Cow, who continued to defend the condiment bar.
“...” said Condiment Cow.
“Well, maybe,” I replied, gripping Laura’s hand tighter, and pulling my sidekick towards me. I looked out at the thousands of pieces of popcorn surging at us, and just about gave up, when the Mission: Impossible theme came over the sound system. I flashed an evil grin to the masses, and pulled the gum from my Ball O’ Blue belt compartment, pressed red and green together, and smacked it onto the fish tank behind us. “Duck!”
We knelt to the ground, and in a second, the gum exploded, shattering the inch thick glass, sending gallons of water and fish in a waterfall that arced right over out heads. Water spread throughout the area, and the popcorn hordes were reduced to a puddle of mush.
After the carpet soaked up most of the water, I looked over at Laura. “You all right?”
She looked herself over, “I think so.”
“What about you, Condiment Cow?”
“...” he replied.
“Good, now Condiment Cow, stay here, and guard the condiment counter and Laura. I think I know a scientist that needs a good butt kickin’.”
They smiled, and I ran out into the lobby, then turned to face our opponent. Adam quickly jumped to my side. Together, we walked toward the scientist. As we approached, I emptied a few packets of salt into my palm.
“Uhh... was I not supposed to see you do that?” the scientist chuckled.
I snapped my hands behind my back, “See what?”
“You just emptied a few packets of salt into your palm, now you’re trying to hide them.”
“No I’m not.” I said quickly.
“Then hold out your hands.”
“How do I know you’re not going to attack me whenever I do? I could hold my hand out, then you could jump over the counter and kick me in the leg.”
“I promise,” he said slyly.
“How ‘bout we shake on it?” I asked.
“Err... sure.”
I walked the rest of the way up to the counter to the scientists outstretched hand. With my salt filled hand, I quickly grabbed his hand, and ground the salt into his plethora of wounds.
“Ahhhh!!” he screamed, “I knew you had salt in your hand!” Tears formed around his eyes as he tried to pull his hand away.
I ground the salt in more, “I’ll ask again, what evil plan are you up to?”
“Bert! Bert’s in charge. He’s the one that’s makin’ the food come to life. His base is at Price Chopper,” he squealed.
“And...” I pushed.
“That’s all I know! Honest!”
I pulled the scientist over the counter, and let him drop onto the tile floor. A chuckle came from behind me as I tried to stand my enemy up. I glanced over my shoulder toward the laugh, and saw the maroon vested guardian, known as Movie Guy.
“Could I see your tickets?” he asked, already knowing the answer.
“I’m not going to see a movie. We came in here to fight,” I replied.
The evil SouthGlen employee looked at the broken fish tank, the melted popcorn covering the floor, and the dead body sprawled across the lobby, “I see. Now without a ticket, you guys can’t be here, so leave.”
I let out a deep sigh, then clenched my left hand tightly around the scientists collar. “All right Movie Guy, we’ll leave, but make sure this evil scientist never comes back in. He tried to steal the salt, he snuck in, and he almost spilled the delicious guts of an innocent mustard packet all over the floor.”
“Thanks for tellin’ me Condiment Man, you’re outa here lab coated guy,” Movie Guy said evilly.
I let go of the scientist, and he slinked slowly toward the door, Movie Guy watching his every move. “Adam, go get Condiment Cow from Laura.”
“OK Condiment Man,” said Adam.
I started to turn toward the door, when I saw a plain white van zoom by, and something spin to the ground. My sidekicks and I immediately sprinted out the door, and saw the scientist’s mangled body laying lifelessly on the sidewalk. The van squealed around the parking lot, then disappeared into the darkness.
I looked up at the evening sky, which was an orange red as the sun floated just above the horizon, and the chilly autumn wind had started to pick up again. The glowing red letters of the Price Chopper marked our next destination, our next battlefield.