After battling the evil in the South Quality, I took a break. I returned home, and watched some quality UPN programming with my trusty sidekick, Condiment Cow. He was, of course, pretending to be a stuffed cow. Adam was nowhere to be seen. A few weeks ago he had said something about Anime, and a ball, I wasn’t really listening to him.
“We will return to the show right after a few commercials!” said an enthusiastic man. The screen went to black for a second, then a commercial started.
“Hey kids! Come on up to McDougles for the Amazing Catch the Condiment Man!! Game!” The words flashed across the screen, and a picture of me in the Condiment Man costume hung on the screen. “The Grand Prize is your transformation into a superhero! Just bring the superhero Condiment Man into your nearest McDougles restaurant for your prize.” Ronaldo popped onto the screen, “C’mon kids! You have to be first to claim your prize, so don’t sit around any longer, hurry!” The clown smiled happily, then another commercial started.
“You see that Condiment Cow!” I whispered.
“…” said Condiment Cow.
“We should go up there and investigate. C’mon.” I grabbed Condiment Cow by the back, and we dashed for the Condiment Mobile.
We arrived at the McDougles in Rosana Square a few minutes later dressed in our superhero garb. I could feel the children around us. I would see a head duck behind a shrub out of the corner of my eye, or a foot being pulled behind a tree trunk to my left. They were everywhere.
I pulled the door open, and stepped inside the McDougles. The staff paused, looking at me. The stores customers stopped eating, burgers and fries stuck in mid travels between the tray and mouth. Memories came back to me. This is where The “Waster” was born. It seemed like so long ago.
He flew over the counter, and was drenched in the Special Hi-C. Evil burned its way into his every atom. My new archenemy escaped, and filed an eight trillion dollar lawsuit against McDougles, he won, and used the money to finance his evil against me. I looked toward the counter, and walked with strides worthy of a superhero.
“Congratulations Condiment Cow!” said the boy behind the counter.
My arms suddenly had hands around them, clenching tightly. I couldn’t escape. As they dragged me toward the kitchen, I saw my sidekick out of the corner of my eye.
He had a grin on his face, “…” he laughed, “…”
I was tricked. “I don’t care if the fans do like you more! You can’t go out on your own! You-” I was hit on the head, and I was out.
I awoke tied down to a chair in the back of McDougles. My head pounded, and I wanted to get a good look at the guy who grabbed me. I was gonna make them wish they hadn’t gone along with whatever evil plan was being put into action. Ronaldo was fiddling with a computer over in the corner. Suddenly, he perked up, turned quickly, and said, “Did somebody wakeup?”
“Let me go, I need to find my sidekick.”
“Well, if I let you go, it sure would be tougher to kill you.”
“I’m starting to think you’re not so happy, in fact, I’m starting to think you’re evil.”
“Mwa ha haaa. Of course I’m evil! This whole burger business just allows me to take over the world, but that isn’t the point here. You have given McDougles a bad name and set my plan back at least a year.”
“Huh? I give condiments to people; I don’t usually bring businesses bent on taking over the world down.”
“You don’t remember all that time ago? You barged in here, tossed a guy over the counter, and he sued me for trillions! You remember? How’s an evil genius from another dimension supposed to take over the world if his evil franchise isn’t making money!”
“You can’t take over the world!” I screamed.
“That’s right! You can’t! And that is why you are about to die. I can’t have you screwing anything else up. Especially with me being so close. Middle-aged men are mine, because I control the lunch hour. With my Fuzzy Babies the women are mine. And I control the minds of children because I’m a happy freakin’ clown! Teens are all that stand in my way of controlling this country, but I can’t gain any more ground without money! I believe you were told I was coming after you. You should have heeded the warning.” Ronaldo tried to look evil, but he could only smile.
I started laughing.
“Your life is about to end, and you think it’s funny,” Ronaldo said, miffed.
“You… You look like a clown, and your trying to be mad, but you have this smile on your face that’s just so happy! It’s great.”
“Alright, I’m going to leave and let you settle down a bit, so you can appreciate your death to its fullest extent. I will return.” Ronaldo turned and walked away, his big shoes flopping around in front of him.
I was gasping for breath I was laughing so hard, but I slowly calmed myself down, and looked around the room for my way to escape. An employee came into the back room.
“Ehh… Hello Mr. McDougles employee. Care to help a superhero out?” I asked in my nicest super heroic voice.
“Uhh… Whatcha need me to do?”
“I need you to pick up that phone over there, and call Sidekick Hut for me.”
The employee’s eyes lit up, “I get to talk on the phone!”
“Yeah! Now go get it.”
McDougles Employee picked up the red cell phone, and held it inches from my nose. “Got the phone! See! I like talking on the phone!”
“Very good. Now press seven, then Talk.”
He pressed the two buttons, and held the phone up to his ear. An excited smile filled his face, and he began jumping in a circle.
“Hello! I’m talking on the phone!” he said. “Yes, I would like two larges, with extra mushrooms, and a can of Pepsi, and a grapefruit. I like grapefruit. It doesn’t taste like grapes, so I was sad. Ok bye.”
“When is he going to be here?” I asked.
“In thirty minutes or its free. Ronaldo said giving stuff away for free is bad. If I did it again he would break me.”
“Hey, do you want to give something away for free for me?” I asked.
“If I give someth-”
“I know, Ronaldo will kill you. What if I gave you a dollar?”
“A dollar!” he yelled. “I want a dollar!”
“Then give that nice child something for free.”
The employee walked out toward the lobby, picking up a broom on the way. With everyone gone, I started to gnaw on the ropes.
About halfway through, commotion came from the front. There was a squishy sound, with a twang of something metallic, followed by McDougles Employee hitting the counter, slumping over, and his head plopping into the fryer.
“Uhh… Look!” Ronaldo pulled out a balloon, and started twisting it, “A panda!”
“Yay!” yelled everyone in the building.
I was nearly halfway through the ropes when a fat man with mushrooms on his head came from around the bend, gasping for breath.
“I… am… whew.” He pointed his finger toward the ceiling, “Large and In Charge!”
I looked at him for a second, puzzled, when another fat man with mushrooms on his head stood next to Large and In Charge.
“I may be overweight, but I’m agile as a baby horse. I am full of heroic battle cries that I will say with the greatest of ease when we are battling the vile evil forces that we are sure to overcome. They call me, Sir Battle Cry,” said Sir Battle Cry.
A large human sized Pepsi can that walked in while Sir Battle Cry was ranting suddenly started to talk. “I’m Pepsi. Full of caffinated goodness. Look at me fizz. Don’t make me open up myself.” He looked at the ground, and started mumbling to himself, “Why’d my mom make me get this stupid job? Hafta work with these retards. Look at that freak, tied to a chair like a retard. They could at least have me work for some real superhero, like Condiment Cow or somethin’.”
A grapefruit with a smiley face painted on it, and a cape driven into its back rolled into the room.
“Hey Large and In Charge, I need you to bite me free,” I said.
“With the efficiency of a man with fiber to keep him regular, we shall bite through your threads of oppression, prepare to be thwarted, vile rope of evil!” said Sir Battle Cry.
“Heck no! You got your spit all over that rope. I don’t wanna get that crap in my mouth! I’m in charge here. Pepsi, you do it, I’m gonna go sit down for a few.”
Grapefruit smiled.
“This job is horrible,” he started chewing, “I should put my two weeks in today,” his gnawing continued, “I hear Second Raters is hiring, Condiment Cow would probably go there for his sidekick needs.”
“I am the true superhero, not Condiment Cow! He is my sidekick. How can they like him more?” I said under my breath.
He’s a superhero now; he won that contest at McDougles. I heard Grapefruit say.
“I still can’t believe he turned me in like that.” The rope snapped, and I was once again able to stand. “Alright sidekicks, we must escape this place, and find Condiment Cow.”
“Sweet, I can ask him for a job!” said Pepsi.
“Our fleeing is not out of terror, but out of sheer strategic brilliance by Condiment Man! We shall return to crush your evil empire once we have the time!” said Sir Battle Cry.
We ran for the back door, Large and In Charge still in the chair.
“Guys, I’ll wait here, pull the car up for me.”
I walked half out the door, when I paused, turned, and looked back into the restaurant. “Wait here, I have some unfinished business I must attend to.” I walked past my sidekicks, out into the lobby, and jumped onto the counter.
“McDougles customers! Ronaldo is an evil genius from another dimension who is trying to take over our world! Rise up, and,” I tossed ketchup to a man in need, “stop coming to this place!”
“Ronaldo isn’t evil, he’s a happy clown that I see on TV!” said a customer.
“He killed that employee!” I screamed at her.
The customers stopped eating, and looked over at the fryer. A popping sound came from the employee’s direction, and he slumped to the ground in a sitting position. His fried skin barely clung to his skull. A customer screamed, “He made a panda!”
Everyone looked over at the panda Ronaldo made out of a blue balloon. The customers let out a breath of relief, and went back to their meals. When the panda popped.
Everyone looked at the panda. A foot on its head, and its body loosing air quickly. I followed the foot up to the face. It was Sir Battle Cry.
“Ronaldo is the bane of our existence! His diabolical evil is tearing our world into tiny confetti-like pieces which he will toss into the air in celebration once he succeeds! Prepare to meet your party crashers Ronaldo!” said Sir Battle Cry.
“I hear the forecast calls for McBlizzard!” screamed Ronaldo, standing on a table in the middle of the dining area. His arms rose into the air, large flakes of ice cream twirled around his hands.
He flung his arms toward me, and white flakes came shooting out. They fluttered around in the air, swirling around the walls. I couldn’t see anything except white flakes, and they were the big Crazysized ones.
“M&M!!”
Black specks started to appear in with the flakes. They stabbed into me as they flew around with the ice cream. Thousands of little M&M pieces were digging their way into my side. Something large slammed into my face, knocking me down.
“You shall pay for your goodness!” Ronaldo screamed, his face inches from mine. The McBlizzard moved away, we were now in the center of the tornado that held my sidekicks and all customers at bay. “I said I would kill you, I think now is a great time, don’t you?”
Ronaldo leapt back, landing on an ice cream covered table. Grabbing a handful of ice cream from the ground, I climbed to my feet, wiping away some blood that was running from my nose. He motioned for me to bring it on, and I got into my battle stance. I leapt into the air, “Condiment Kick!” I screamed. He jumped to one side, and I let loose with the ice cream ball. It connected with his head, which whipped to the side, ice cream and M&M’s exploded into a cloud around him. He hit the ground, and looked up at me, melted ice cream dripping down his miffed cheek.
Landing on a table, I slipped on the slick ice cream, my upper body hit, and the table collapsed under me. I pried myself off the ground into an all fours position. I looked for my enemy, and saw him just in time to get hit with a snowman head sized ball. My head broke it into many pieces, which lay around the ground near where my head landed. Again, I pulled myself off the ground, and got out of the collapsed table. I kneeled in the ice cream, searching for Ronaldo. Rising to my feet, I found a fighting stance.
“McFlurry!” he screamed.
I spun toward the voice, and caught ice cream balls in the face and gut, I couldn’t even react they came so fast. He kicked me in the chest and I stumbled back a few steps, the wall of speeding ice cream inches from my back. Ronaldo charged at me, trying to hit me with his shoulder. I dropped to all fours. Ronaldo tripped over me, and hit the wall of M&M McBlizzard.
“GAAA!!” he screamed.
Crawling away, I looked back at my foe. He pried himself off the wall, holding his face. Ronaldo’s shirt had a hole in the shoulder, revealing a horrible wound, and his face was covered in blood.
With hatred in his eyes and a smile on his face, he glared at me. He walked toward me cautiously, watching my every move. He paused; reaching deep into his clown pants, and came up with a few long balloons. He turned his back to me, and feverishly began work on the balloons. I listened to the noise of the balloons being twisted and bent into shape, trying to figure out what the thing was going to be.
Quickly, I gave up, and reached for some ice cream, turned it into balls, and leapt into the air. I launched one at him, which hit in the back of the knee. Ronaldo spun toward me, holding a balloon sword in each hand. He leapt at me, swords outstretched. Slightly above me, he rose the blue one high, and brought it down on my head with all his might. It squeaked and made a bonking sound. Ronaldo looked surprised.
“Condiment Kick!” My leg snapped out, hitting him in the chin as we fell. Ronaldo took off away from me, shooting straight through the wall.
I watched the tornado around me spin, my head started to spin along with it. It was starting to clear up; the outside world was becoming visible again.
Ronaldo was sprawled out on the floor in front of me, his blood seeping into the ice cream underneath his body. He looked dead, but he started to move. Ronaldo’s head lifted off the ground, and while shaking, looked me right in the eye, and in a breathy whisper said, “You may have won this round, but the next shall be mine.”
Steam rose from his body, and he disappeared,
“Flee! Flee you coward! We defeated you with the ease of burning a marshmallow in a bonfire. Your cowardess sickens me more than a dung beetle walking into a bathroom which you are currently going number two in,” said Sir Battle Cry.
We all looked at him oddly.
“And it looks hungry!” Sir Battle Cry looked for some approving faces, finding none, “Vile evil plans were destroyed by the great hero that is Condiment Man!”
Steam rose from the floor, the walls grew clearer. Seconds later, the building was no more. The customers, my sidekicks, and I were left standing in the middle of a vacant parking lot; vacant except for a wastebasket filled with papers.
“Yes! Flee you cowardly building with your tail between your legs! You could not stand up to the might that is the awesome five-some that is the Condiment Man Force!” said Sir Battle Cry.
“Large and In Charge Force you retard,” yelled Large and In Charge. “I say it’s break time. Grapefruit, find me something to eat.”
“Sidekicks, we must find Condiment Cow!” I yelled, “I have to settle something with him.”
“…” said a familiar voice.
“Condiment Cow? Is that you?” I asked.
Wind gusted, and my cape flew into Pepsi’s face. The wastebasket fell over, and Condiment Cow leapt out, rolled, and stood on his feet.
“Condiment Cow! I will join you in your fight as your sidekick!” Pepsi raised his hand high into the air, pointing at the clouds. His gaze followed his point skyward, and he screamed as loud as his lungs would allow, “You hear me Sidekick Hut!! I quit!” With that he threw his nametag and swipe card to the ground. They bounced, running from him, thinking he hated his job enough to jump on and try to grind them into the concrete. They were correct. Those poor little pieces of plastic.
“…” said Condiment Cow, “…”
I am a true superhero now, I have the support of the people. Face it Condiment Man, I am just better than you. Deal with it. I heard Condiment Cow say. And I shall crush you to prove it! I heard him continue.
“Yeah! You tell him Condiment Cow!” said Pepsi.
“And lo, the battle between the two titans was on,” said a man dressed in loose white clothing standing atop Mardel.
I found a battle stance, and looked my former sidekick over. He appeared no different, but I could tell he had the vigor of a superhero in him.
“You fuzzy little turncoat! With the gloves of goodness, we shall reach with open hand, and slap the snot out of you until that coat turns back!” said Sir Battle Cry.
Grapefruit smiled.
“You idiots fight, I’m gonna sit this one out,” said Large and In Charge.
Pepsi leapt forward, and punched Sir Battle Cry hard in the nose. Sir Battle Cry’s head snapped back, blood splattered in a mist into the air, he collapsed to the ground, whimpering.
I dove toward Condiment Cow, driving my fist into his head. He rolled backward, tumbling end over end.
“Get in there and fight Grapefruit!” said Large and In Charge, picking up Grapefruit, and rolling it toward Pepsi. Grapefruit smiled.
Pepsi raised his foot, and it came down on Grapefruit, fruity filling exploded outward. Large and In Charge cringed at the horrible sight. “I am Large and In Charge, and I say that you should settle down there Pepsi!”
Pepsi kicked Large and In Charge in the knee, his leg bent backward, and he collapsed onto the ground, screaming.
“You hurt my superhero,” said Pepsi, “You shall pay you worthless wannabe!”
“I am thrice the superhero as that sidekick. What has he done so far? Got punched in the face, and hid in a trashcan? That’s no superhero, that’s a sidekick, just, like, you,” I said, poking my finger into his can.
It was then he opened himself. A geyser of fizzy cola shot out of his top, raining down upon the battlefield. My costume drenched in stickiness, he laughed.
“While you stick to the pavement, I am unaffected!” said Pepsi, walking toward me.
I tried lifting my feet, I was indeed stuck.
Four solid punches to the face, and I toppled backward, hitting the ground with my shoulder blades, and my feet still stuck to the ground. Pepsi stood over me, peering deep into my eyes with a look of disgust. He walked over to the fallen Condiment Cow.
“Bring it on, Condiment Cow and Pepsi! You will soon learn why I am the better superhero!” I yelled to them.
Both looked. They had a conversation in whisper, looked at me, then Pepsi helped Condiment Cow jump high into the air. He did flips, and sideways spins, while Pepsi ran at me. I ripped myself off the ground, leaving most of the back of my costume, and several bits of flesh stuck to the pavement. I untied my shoes, looking at the attack wave coming at me. Once out of my shoes, I jumped after the Cow.
At the height of my jump I caught him, his momentum forced me into a backward flip. Once I regained control of myself, Condiment Cow was flung downward.
Pepsi was right below me. Condiment Cow slammed into his head with all his massive cow weight, crushing the can below me.
“Condiment Kick!” I called. Downward I shot, and drove my foot into my former sidekick, guts sprung into the air, and his head bounced across the parking lot.
“Ha ha!! I am the better superhero! Take that Pepsi! I showed you Condiment Cow… Condiment Cow? What have I done?” I took the Condiment Radio from my belt. “Alfredo! I need the Condiment Ambulance!”
“There is no need. He is gone,” a familiar looking lab coated man said. “Recover in the KenTacoHut.” He pressed a button on his belt, and a white van slowly drove up. He hopped in the driver seat, looked over at me, and sped off.