I was sitting on the couch, Adam was sitting next to me, and Condiment Cow was standing on the table in front of us. The three of us staring off into space, thinking about how we could get back at Cow Defender for massacring all of those innocent condiments, and turning Rosana Square to rubble.
I thought about what would hurt him the most, what would destroy him, just like killing the condiments hurt me. After thinking for a few minutes, I turned to my sidekicks. “Let’s go look for him, and teach him a lesson.”
We walked out the front door, climbed into the Condiment Mobile, and sped away. We drove up Metcalf, and through the Rosana Square parking lot, what was left of it at least. We turned at the optometrist’s office, past Olivers, when a new store caught my eye. It sat right in the corner, next to the tanning salon.
“Huh, that’s a weird place.” I said to my sidekicks, “Think we should stop in, let them know the area is protected by the three of us?”
“Might as well, we got nuthin’ better to do.” Adam said.
“...” said Condiment Cow.
I pulled the Condiment Mobile into a great parking space, and we filed out of the car. We stared at the building for a second, taking in the newness of it.
I started walking toward the building, and after a second, my sidekicks followed. We passed under the black overhang, with “Cookies by Design” written in blocky white letters on the front. I yanked the door open, and the three of us walked into the unattended store.
Smily face cookies on sticks stared back at us as we looked around. I walked over to the counter, and peered into the case. Chocolate chip, M&M, and peanut butter cookies sat in the case, waiting to be sold.
The attendant burst out of the back room, somewhat surprised to see a customer.
“Hello, I’m Condiment Man, and this is-”
“Yeah,” the attendant cut in, “I know who you guys are.”
“Oh, all right, well I might as well get a cookie, eh... how much is the chocolate chip?” I asked.
“Err... ninety cents.”
“What’s that gonna be with tax?” I said, thinking about the dollar I had on me.
“Ehh... that’s tax included.”
Odd... I thought, quite an even number, especially with tax included. I cautiously pulled my wallet out of my belt, and the bill from my wallet. I slowly handed it to her, watching her every move. She took the money, handed me a dime, then the cookie. I turned around, and walked to the door. I pushed on it, but it wouldn’t open.
“Uhh... miss, you’re door’s locked.” I said as I spun back around.
The lady’s head started to flatten, and a green icing started to cover her face. Her head slowly turned into a giant smily face cookie, and the other cookies on the wall started talking, moving.
Adam started screaming, and I spun to see what was going on. A few dozen smily cookies were covering him, munching away at his arms, legs, and face. Adams arms flailed about, trying to smack the palm sized cookies off. I stepped over to him, and swatted at the cookies.
The cookie I had bought earlier started biting my hand. I flung my arm around, trying to get the cookie off. I hopped around, wedged it under my arm, and tried to squish the little bugger.
In my hopping, I saw an army of ginger bread men running out of the back room. I whipped my injured hand into the door, hoping to slam the cookie in between, unfortunately, the cookie let go a second before I hit the wall. My hand hit, and my fingers tingled with pain.
A shopper passed by the window, and I pounded on the door, screaming, “Help! Help! We’re getting eaten by cookies!” The shopper looked at me in disgust, like we were playing a joke on them for Candid Camera.
I stepped back, and the ginger bread men encircled me. Dozens of them moved in, and climbed up my leg, biting me every chance they could. I jumped up and down, trying to step on them, and not give others the chance to climb up me.
I reached down and grabbed one by the waist. I pulled him up to my face, and looked him right in the eye. He opened his mouth wide and hissed. Trickles of blood ran down his face. I pulled him in close, and bit his head off. The rest of his body went limp as I chewed his head into a slimy mess, then swallowed.
“So that’s how the cookie crumbles.” I muttered.
When the other ginger bread men saw this, they jumped off me, and took a few steps back. I threw the lifeless cookie to the ground, and the group of ginger bread men scattered, trying to get away from where their dead comrade would hit the ground.
I looked over at Adam, who was still getting attacked by the smily cookies, then over to Condiment Cow, who was just standing there. The cookies stayed pretty far away from him. I ran towards Condiment Cow, and jumped over the ginger bread men blocking the way. I picked up my sidekick, and the ginger bread men ran away a few more feet. Slowly, I walked over to Adam. The cookies attacking him saw me coming, jumped off and joined the ginger bread men on the floor.
“Adam, follow me back over to the corner.” I said to him.
“K.” Adam said, following beside me as I made my way to the corner.
“Umm... Adam. Now I don’t believe in vampires, especially vampire cookies, but I think that’s what we’re dealing with here.”
“What’ve you been smokin’ CM?”
“C’mon, cookies, with four really big teeth, and their not eating us, just biting.”
“Well, I guess they might be vampire cookies.” Adam said reluctantly, “So how do we beat them?”
“Teeth can kill a cookie, that we know, and wooden steaks kill vampires.”
“We need some wooden teeth.” Adam pointed out. “But where we gonna get some?”
I reached into my belt, and with a smile, pulled out some wind up chattering teeth.
Adam found a jack hammer leaning up against the wall, pulled the end out, and whittled a stick down to a point, and shoved it in the end of the jackhammer.
“Ready?” I asked my sidekicks.
“Ready.” Adam replied.
I twisted the knob, and the teeth chattered away. I threw it into the mass of ginger bread men, and it hopped around, taking bites out of the cookies shoulders, arms, legs, and took of a few heads. I got on my hands and knees and crawled around, biting at anything near me.
Adam got the jackhammer going, and rammed it into the chests of the cookies. When he would plunge in the stick, they would hiss, then crumble into a pile on the ground.
After a few hours, the entire cookie population of the store was reduced to a collection of crumbs. I got onto my knees, and looked around for the cookie lady. She was nowhere to be seen. I fell back, and laid there on the ground, full of cookies. I didn’t feel good at all.
“Milk... milk... thirsty...” Adam gasped as he crawled over to Condiment Cow.
“...” Condiment Cow said, obviously scared.
“Adam! Nooo!!” I screamed as a few police officers broke through the door.
“You guys are under arrest.” The police officer said, then pulled out the ‘cuffs.