It was a few days before Halloween. The air was getting colder, leaves were getting all multicolored, and kids were thinking about how much candy they were going to get. Not me though. I was thinking about the fate of the world. If the world could survive for a few hours while Adam and I took a little break at “Casey’s 1st Not-So-Annual Halloween Costume Party!!”. I didn’t want to force all those innocent people to suffer, but I also felt I needed some kind of break, so I gathered up a bunch of condiments, and put them at various places, and advertised that they could be found there if they needed them.
Time went by slowly that week as the anticipation for the party grew. I didn’t know what to dress up as. Crime fighting doesn’t give any monetary compensation, so I had to look around the house for some old clothes and junk I could wear. All I managed to find was what end of a mop, a few Pepsi cans, and a broken TV antenna. I thought I could put the mop end on my head, put the antenna under it, and place the Pepsi cans at a few key areas.
I almost went like this, but I was afraid that someone might ask me what the heck I was. Of course I would have no reply, I thought maybe I could say I was Blitz, and escaped monkey with mutant powers, including being able to shoot electricity, all you have to do is grab my power cord, which is right under that Pepsi can in the front. When I told my dad what I was going as, he sent me to my room until I came up with another costume. So I just decided I would go in my Condiment Man costume. Then the day before the party, me and Adam were walking around, seeing if anyone needed a condiment, when my Condiment Sense went off.
“Adam!! Farm house...west of here...out of....EVERYTHING!!”
“No! This can’t be happening!”
“Come on! We godda get there fast!!”
I called for the Condiment Mobile, and we took off toward the farm house. We drove for about an hour, and arrived at the place where I sensed was out of everything, but instead of a farm house, there was a space ship, hovering over what looked like a woman. I slammed on the break, and we ran over to her. We got about twenty feet away when we realized it wasn’t a woman at all, but some kind of humanoid. She got up slowly, and looked Adam right in the eye.
“You will obey me.” she told him.
“No, it is Condiment Man I obey.” he said monotonly, as if in some kind of trance.
“You will obey me.” she said, a bit ticked off.
“Condiment Man wouldn’t like it...”
“You will obey me!” she was none too happy now.
“I guess I could...yawn...see ya CM.”
“No, Adam! Snap out of it!!”
“Mwa ha ha haaa!! There is nothing you can do now, he is under my power now!”
I had no idea what to do, my sidekick was under some kind of spell my some alien lady, and my mind was racing with questions. “Who are you!? Where are you from!? Why do you want Adam!?”
“You don’t need to know about me right now, but I took Adam because his mind is easy to manipulate. I will return. Enjoy your little party...too bad it will be your last.” Just then a beam shot from the bottom of the ship, and started pulling the two of them up toward a small hole in the bottom. As they neared the top, the ship made a humming sound, the wind started to pick up, knocking some of the wheat to the ground, and the ship slowly flew up. They made it to the hole, and a door closed behind them. A split second later, there was a loud bang, and the ship was gone.
“I will save you Adam.....but first I have a party to get ready for.”
I arrived at the party about a half hour early, dressed in my CM costume. I rang the doorbell, and a few seconds later, an Eskimo answered the door. “Hoj! Glad you could come. So you’re dressed as Condiment Man, sorry Hoj, but you look nothing like him.”
“Yeah, I know, but, it’s the thought that counts.”
“Ummm...yeah, sure, so come on in.”
I followed him in to his living room. There was a table set up for snacks, and the whole place was decorated with witch masks, and black and orange streamers. As soon as I entered the room, I smelled those little hot dogs. Casey noticed I smelled the hot dogs, and said, “Don’t worry ‘Condiment Man’, we have lots of condiments. Ha ha”
“Ha ha. So who else is here?”
“Well, everyone, I think. Oh, wait, Adam’s not here yet, you hear from him?”
“Ummm....nope, if I see him, I’ll tell you though.”
“Ok, by the way, did you get the cow yet?” There was a little Stuffed cow in the bear claw at Southglen, the local movie theater. I had been trying to get it the whole week, and had gotten pretty much everything in the silly machine. After about forty bucks, I finally got my prize. As soon as I got back home from getting it, I of course put it on my bead, and forgot about it soon after.
“Oh...yeah, I got it. It’s one cool cow.”
“Yes it is, wish I had one.”
We walked past the table with the chips, little hot dogs, and other snack foods, when I started hearing people complaining about there not being any more ketchup. I didn’t know what to do.
“Uhhh...Casey, I...uhhh...” I started walking to the hall on one side of the room, and rounded the little pillar, out of site to anyone in the room. I came back out, and gave put a bunch of ketchup packets on the table.
“Thank you Condiment Man. You really saved the day!”
“It was no problem. Enjoy the party.”
Casey then walked up to me, and asked, ”Have you seen Hoj? He walked right behind that pillar over there.” He pointed to the pillar I went behind, between the party room, and the hallway. “I saw him go behind it, he was there for a few seconds, then you came out. I just thought you might have seen him back there.”
“Ummm...Is he about my height, my weight, wearing a costume like mine, but yet looks nothing like me?”
“Yeah, that’s him.”
“Ummm...I don’t believe I’ve seen him before in my life. Well, I must be off.”
I walked behind the same pillar, waited a second, and came out the other side. I started walking back to Casey, but he walked up to me, and asked, ”Have you seen Condiment Man? He walked right behind that pillar over there.” He pointed to the pillar I went behind, between the party room, and the hallway. “I saw him go behind it, he was there for a few seconds, then you came out. I just thought you might have seen him back there.”
“Ummm...Is he about my height, my weight, wearing a costume like mine, but yet looks nothing like me?”
“Yeah, that’s him.”
“Ummm...I don’t believe I’ve seen him before in my life. Well, I must be off.”
I headed over to the snack buffet, and started eating some chips, but my chip eating was interrupted when the lights went out, and there was a really loud hum. It just got louder, and louder, and light started fill the room.
“Woah, this is like that one dream I had. I was playing this game, I was at the last boss, when the power went out. And there was a hum like this one, and the lights did the same thing. And we went out in the darkness, and I found this really great buffet! And Condiment Man came, and Steven was shootin aliens with a remote, and we went to Taco Bell, and then Steven went all crazy cuzz they use beef in the taco’s. It was really weird.” I picked up Casey’s TV remote, and got to one side of the front door, like they do in all action movies when they enter a room when they know there will be a lot of shooting. Well, I sat there waiting, and the humming stopped, and the lights went out. There was a loud slam, and I heard someone coming up to the front door.
“Hey Hoj, what cha doin? You’ve got to remember, you’re not really Condiment Man, you’re just wearing a costume like his. And you look nothing like him even.”
“Uhhh...yeah, I know. I was just uhhh...want to...uhh...scare them when they come in. It’ll be fun.”
There was some fiddling with the lock, and the door opened slowly, and a shadowy figure stepped in. I turned, and started pressing buttons on the remote. Nothing happened. I pressed more, and more, still nothing.
“Hey Adam!, you’re a little late.” Casey said. I stopped hitting buttons, and looked again, it was Adam, only he still looked under Laa’s spell.
“Hoj...come with me.”
“Ok. Casey, I’ll be back in a bit.”
“If you’re lucky you will.”
“Ha! Good one Adam, c’mon, let’s get goin’”
We walked out the door, and it was tough for the both of us to fit through at the same time, but we squished through. We stepped out into the night. There were only a few Trick-of-Treaters still out, but just about everyone came up and told me, “Nice costume, but you look nothing like him.”
“So Adam, what’s going on.”
“She sent me to get you. She cut the power, I had to get you.”
“Adam, you have to remember you’re training. Super Hero Rule #92849283938293902949 dash 293 subsection 2929, line 923. And I quote, ‘Super hero’s are not to drive under the following conditions: under the influence of any drug, when any emotion could distract you from driving, and when an alien from a planet other that Earth is controlling your mind.’ I’m very disappointed with you Adam.”
“That’s nice, follow me.”
I walked behind him into the little park like thing back behind Casey’s house. The full moon was the only light at this time, and the clouds in the sky had a pinkish tint to them. I could hear a wolf howling off in the distance. We went into a bit of a clearing. Benches were scattered around, as well as a few tables.
We got to the center of the clearing, then Adam stopped. Unfortunately, I didn’t. I bumped right into him. He didn’t even seem to notice. We stood there for a bit, and I started to get bored, so I started to hum a little, “Hmm hmm do do do daa. La la laa la do do ha...cha cha, do do doot boom bot...”
Then the alien crept out of the darkness. It came over to about twenty feet away, and stopped. Adam looked at her, and ran over beside her. She took a few steps toward me, and sternly said, “You do not stand a chance. Surrender now, and I might let you live.”
“Only if you let Adam go, and tell me who you are, where you are from, and why you want me dead so badly.”
“Fine, you will be free as soon as I have you under my control.”
“I guess that will work.”
“I am Laa, from planet Moinda. You need to be killed because you wiped out half my army when we tried to take over this planet.”
“So, because I defended my planet from being wiped out by an alien on a power trip, I have to be killed?”
“Basically. Neat huh? Are you ready to die yet?”
“I just have one more question.”
“How’s Faa?”
<Note: Due to the many conversions this story has gone through over the years and many websites and computers it has lived on, this portion of the story has been lost. Basically, Laa gets upset by Condiment Man's Faa remark, and attacks him. As for the alarm, I have no idea what is was.> for the alarm. The wind came to a complete stop. My nose started to itch, and as I went to scratch it, the alarm buzzed. She lunged forward, and put her hands around my neck, I couldn’t breath. She held me there for a bit, a bit off the ground. I calmly scratched my nose, then punched her in the face. She dropped me, and stumbled back a few steps. She came at me again, and grabbed my neck, tighter this time. With one hand, I tried to loosen her hand, and with the other, grab my mustard gun. I latched on to it, pulled it out of the holster, and shot her right in the eyes. Again she dropped me, but this time she kicked me in the side.
“Condiment Kick!!!” I shouted, and lept through the air at the blinded alien.
“Ahhh!!!” She yelped. She fell to the ground, with her arms covering her chest, were I had kicker her. She rolled around there for a bit, and while she did this, I pulled the remote out of my utility belt. I aimed at her head, and hit the power button. The whole side of her head started to bubble, and green ooze started rolling down her face. She kicked my leg, and I fell over, the remote slipping out of my hand. Laa pressed a button on her watch, and aliens started flooding out of the woods behind her. I picked up the remote, and started rushing back to where I left Condiment Cow.
“Condiment Cow!! Come on!!” I found him standing in the same spot I left him, sitting there, looking off into space. I picked him up, and ran back into battle.
“Condiment Cow Combo!!” I yelled, then jumped into the air, holding CC. I threw him at a row of aliens, and he flew through the whole group. I hit the ground, and started shooting them with my remote. Heads were popping everywhere. When I felt Condiment Cow could handle the rest of them, I turned my attention to the injured Laa.
“Don’t worry, if you send others to kill me, you will have plenty of company where you’re going.” After I said that, I put the alien out of her misery, and popped her head all over the place. I helped Condiment Cow finish off the remaining aliens, then went to find Adam. We headed off into the woods in the direction that the aliens came from. We couldn’t find Adam anywhere. We looked everywhere around that clearing, without even a clue. We started heading back to Casey’s party, when we ran into Cow Defender.
“I saw the fight. You seem to like cows.”
“Oh, it was nothing.” I wipe some of the green gunk off my costume, “I do like cows. It looks like CC will be my sidekick until we find Adam. Right CC?”
“...”
“Yeah, we’ll be a great team CC.”
“CC?? You call your cow Ca-Ca?? What kind of evil person are you?!?! And when you find Adam, your just going to leave this poor cow behind aren’t you?!...aren’t you!!!”
“No. He will have his own room at my house. He likes it there!”
“Sure...that’s what you want me to think.” He picks Condiment Cow off the ground, holds him in one hand, and pets his head, “I don’t know how I ever could have liked you Condiment Man!! You like KenTacoHut, and they kill cows, and use them as meat in their burrito’s!! After I make Taco Bell go out of business for killing cows, I will come after you!! You cow hating fiend!!”
After he yelled that at me, he took off into the darkness. The moon hid behind the clouds, mostly because he didn’t want to me yelled at by Cow Defender, but also because it was fun. I continued back to Casey’s house, and rang the door bell. While I waited I wiped more gunk off of myself. There was some pounding inside, and Casey came to the door.
“Hey Hoj, you’re covered in goo.”
“Yeah, Ummm...Adam sprayed me with some weird....silly string. Anyway, how’s the party goin??”
“Well, after you left, it got pretty boring, so everyone left.”
“All right, well, I best be goin then also. I’ll talk to ya later.”
“See-ya”
I called the Condiment Mobile, and started driving home. Most of the way home, I wondered about where Adam was, if he was taken back to Moinda, or if he is still in some kind of hypnotic state. I wondered if Cow Defender was really an enemy of mine, or just someone who is trying to good, but instead interfering with my distribution of condiments. There were of course more questions than answers this night. Which brought up another question, will these questions ever be answered? I thought they will eventually, when their time comes, but until then, I must provide condiments to those in need, and make sure there are people alive to need condiments, and those answers were all I needed to keep the condiment poor as condiment rich as possible.