I arrived home from school, ready to pick Coop up, and meet Casey at Southglen. I hurried to get as much homework done as possible, so I wouldn’t have as much to do when I would get back home. I was almost done with my math, when it was time to go get Coop. I jumped into the Jeep, got some Jimmie’s Chicken Shack playing in the diskman, and headed over to pick him up. I pulled in, and he was standing outside his house in the near dead grass. I stopped in front of him, and he slowly walked over to the passenger side door, opened it up, and climbed into the seat.
“Hey Josh.” He said as he put his seat belt on. “So we’re goin to see... “
“Les Miserables. It should suck, but I get extra credit for seein’ it,” I told Coop as I started driving to the theater.
“Sounds just great!” Coop said sarcastically.
We pulled in through the back entrance, and parked around back. We climbed out of the Jeep, and headed around to the front of the building. Casey was standing out in front, looking at the various posters of the movies we had, and looked over at us as we approached. I started wondering if it really was Casey. He doesn’t just stand outside, at least that I could remember. I just stood there, and stared at him. He looked over, and stared at me. Coop just stood there, thinking the both of us were pretty strange.
The warm breeze was blowing across me, knocking my hair down into my face, and drying out my lips. It started getting annoying, so I slowly liked my lips. My tongue going from the left corner of my mouth, over to the right, then back again. For some reason, Casey got a real scared, surprised look on his face, and ran into the theater screaming, “Hoj is gay! Hoj is gay!”
My jaw dropped, and all the muscles in my face relaxed when I heard him. After a little while, it really hit me. I took off running after him, yelling, “Hoj is not gay! The wind made me do it! Hoj is not gay!”
I entered the theater, and a gust of cold air smacked into me. The people in the box-office just stared at me confused. “Good for you. I’m glad you came out of the closet.”
“What?! No, there isn’t a closet for me to come out of.”
“Oh yeah, like I’m gonna believe you don’t have a closet,” said the lady in box.
“Well, I do have a closet, but it’s not like I go into it or anything.”
“So that’s why you wear the same wrinkled clothes every day?”
“Well... Anyway, I need some passes to see Les Miserables.” I told the lady.
“Well that just proves your gayness even more!”
“My French teacher is giving everyone extra credit for seeing it!”
“Yeah, likely story,” she chuckled, “Just sign here.”
I signed the paper, putting in my name, name of the movie, how many people I’m bringing in, that kinda thing. “Here ya go.” I said, handing it back to her.
“Hey, two people, who’s the second?”
“My friend Coop here.” I told her, motioning toward Coop.
“So it will be you and your boyfriend-”
“NO! He’s just my friend, I am positively NOT gay!!”
“Sure, enjoy your movie.”
We walked into the movie, got ourselves some seats, and sat down. Popeye appeared after a few moments, and bought some gift certificates for Sweetpea, and the previews started. When the previews were over, the movie started. I could barely keep my eye’s open. I was totally asleep just after the opening credits were over. I awoke to Coop slamming me over the head with a popcorn tub, telling me the movie was over. We headed out of the theater, my clothes all creased in odd places, hair all messed up, and drool running down my face. Outside, waiting to clean the theater, was the girl that was in the box-office, talking to Casey. They took one look at me, and said, “Jeez, get a room.”
“I’m not gay!!” I screamed at them. Coop looked over at the guy on pole, got an evil look on his face, and told me he had to use the bathroom while running off.
“I know why you’re just saying you’re gay now, you want good ratings!” said the girl from the box-office.
“No! Hoj is not gay! What happened was the wind! It dried my lips, I wet them!
It was clearly a lip wet, not a ‘hey baby’!” I explained to them as we walked into the lobby.
“Now look at that guy,” Casey said, while pointing toward the front doors, “there’s not even a hint of gayness in him.”
I looked over to where Casey was pointing, and saw Condiment Man, yelling at the guy on pole. Hey, that’s not the real Condiment Man, because I’m the real Condiment Man, but I can’t say anything because it would give me away, I thought.
“Hey, Hoj, you’ve got this look on your face like you’re starring at your alter ego, and thinking, ‘Hey, that’s not the real Condiment Man, because I’m the real Condiment Man, but I can’t say anything because it would give me away.’ ” said Casey.
I was about to reply when a seven armed monkey flew from the fish tank area, and punched the guy on pole in the back of the head. “Ha ha haa! Take that, Movie Guy!”
Condiment Man shouted, while handing some mustard and a toothpick to a lady. Condiment Man moseyed off, and the seven armed monkey ran into the men’s room. “Well that’s weird.” Casey said.
“What?” I asked.
“Well the monkey when into the men’s room.”
“Yeah, so?”
“Monkey’s don’t go into the men’s room. Only men, and the occasional confused lady do.”
“Are you saying the monkey has a secret identity?”
“I’m saying it’s probably a guy in a monkey suit, or something like that.”
As soon as Casey finished his sentence, Coop stumbled out of the bathroom, breathing heavy, like he had just been running. Casey and I looked at each other, back at Coop, then back at each other. “Hey, Coop, why are ya covered in monkey hair?”
Coop looked down, “Oh, uhh... the monkey, it attacked me.”
“Well, isn’t that... convenient.” I said to him.
“All floormen to the office. All floormen to the office. Casey and Josh, come too.” Mr. Jones said over the intercom. We all gathered into the little room, and wondered what the meeting was about.
“All right, there has been a seven armed monkey attacking the people on pole. I would like to say right now that a concussion is no excuse to leave pole, you are to finish your pole shift, then you can ask a manager if it would be all right if you could leave to receive medical treatment. Second, Mr. Dickinson gave me clearance to assemble an Anti-Seven Armed Monkey Task Force to take out the monkey menace. It will be composed of the best of the best employees we have here at Southglen, the list will be posted outside the concession door in the next couple days. We think Condiment Man is in cahoots with him, so be on the lookout. Any questions?” asked Mr. Jones, “Good, remember, be on the lookout.”
“Well, that was interesting.” I told Casey as we walked out to meet up with Coop.
“Yeah, now there’s no way to get off pole.”
Coop saw us coming out of the office, and started walking down the left hallway.
“Casey, I’m going to have to talk to ya later, I’ve gotta go do something.” I said to him, and ran out the front doors, trying to catch up to Condiment Man.
After I left, Casey walked down the left hallway, following slowly behind Coop. Where is he going, Casey asked himself, when Coop started sprinting toward the end of the hallway, rounded the bend, and flew into the bathroom. Casey jogged down the hallway a bit more, when he heard a door open. The seven armed monkey scurried around the bend, and lept up at Casey’s face. Casey ducked, and the monkey soared over him, leaving a trail of slime behind him.
The seven armed monkey, realizing he didn’t hit Casey, ran off toward the lobby, with Casey following somewhat close behind. Casey got to the lobby just in time to see the seven armed monkey beat the snot out of Movie Guy, once again. As the monkey started heading back toward the hallway, Casey blocked his path.
“Stop it Coop.” Casey evilly said to the monkey.
“Uhh... I’m not Coop.” the monkey said nervously back to Casey.
“Yeah, sure. Why else would Coop be covered in monkey hair?”
“Musta got there when I... uhh... attacked him.”
“Or, you are Coop, with a shedding costume,” Casey said slyly.
The monkey lunged at Casey’s head. Casey was too quick for the monkey, he put his arm in front of his face, and the monkey slammed into it. The seven armed monkey slid to the ground, unconscious. Casey picked it up, and took it into the office to show Mr. Jones.
“Wow, that’s pretty good Casey. Let’s take his mask off and find out who this weirdo really is.” Mr. Jones said.
Casey reached down, and grabbed the hair on top of the mask, and slowly pulled it off.
Meanwhile, I flung the door of Southglen open, and sprinted after the moseying Condiment Man. Although he had a big head start, I soon caught up to him in the vacant parking lot on the right side of Southglen.
“Hold it right there!” I yelled at Condiment Man.
“What would you like?” he said calmly.
“I am Condiment Man, you are but an impostor!” I screamed at the weirdo.
“I thought you were gay?”
“NO!! Hoj is not gay! But I am the real Condiment Man!”
“No you’re not, see, it says right here on my shirt, ‘CM’, for Condiment Man.” he said, mocking me.
“Well, I have a shirt like that too!” I grabbed my tee shirt with both hands, and pulled them away from each other. My shirt made a stretching sound, and some of the strings of my shirt broke. “Err... You got some scissors, or a knife, or some other sharp object?”
“Oh, uhh... somewhere.” He looked around in his belt, after a few minutes, he pulled out some toe nail cutters, and I put a little hole in my shirt.
“Let’s try this again.” I put a finger of each hand in the hole, and pulled them apart, tearing a big hole in my shirt. “See, Condiment Man, right there, see!” I pointed into the hole.
“Nope, don’t see it.”
I looked down, just bare chest. “Hold on a sec.” I ran behind the fence, and changed into my Condiment Man costume. I came back around the fence, put my fists on my belt, and put my feet shoulder’s width apart. Condiment Man tried to make a karate fighting stance, but failed miserably.
A crazy battle ensued, I beat him senseless. In the end, he pulled a pocket radio out of his belt, and yelled into the thing, “Get out here Coop!”
“Nobody can save you now ‘Condiment Man’ ”
I jump kicked Condiment Man, and again he fell to the ground. The side door of Southglen opened, I spun around to see a monkey fly out, and leap at me. Only, it wasn’t fully a monkey, it’s body was a monkey, but it had Coop’s head.
I grabbed the monkey by the arms, and flung him down onto the evil Condiment Man. Both were knocked out, cold. Casey burst through the door then, followed by Mr. Jones. I wiped the sweat from my brow, “I think we had an impostor. Imagine that, someone impersonating a seven armed monkey.” I walked over to the evil Condiment Man, knelt down, and prepared to take off his mask. The lady from box came out, and joined Casey and Mr. Jones. I pulled the mask off, revealing a robot head.
The lady from box looked at the unconcious Coop, then said to me, “Oh boy. Josh is gonna be mad at you for beating up his boyfriend.”
“Josh is not gay!” I screamed at her.
“Oh, he’s not? Well, if Condiment Man says so, it must be true. Casey, you are such a liar!” she said, then punched his arm.