I knelt over the unconscious bodies of Coop and Gary, wondering why they would attack me like this. I looked down at them, were they possessed? Did they join up with Two Hands? Or did they just decide that by taking me out, they could then become Condiment Man, and get all the glory? I took a closer look at them, when I finally saw through their disguises.
“What is it Condiment Man?” the lady from box asked me.
“Come here.” I motioned her over with my hand. “Look closely, at that Condiment Man’s face.”
She looked at them, when she finally saw it. “It’s... a robot!”
A metal box, painted red, with the CM logo painted sloppily on the front, big springs for arms and legs, and another metal box with a speaker and microphone glued on.
I pulled the picture of Coop off the heap of metal, “Huh, right out of a yearbook.” The lady from box, Casey, and Jones looked at me in awe. “But, then what is this monkey, with the head of... Gary did you say?”
“Yes, well, there’s only one way to find out.” I reached down, and pulled the yearbook picture of Gary off the monkey’s face. “Coop.”
“Ahh!! He’s naked!!” we all shouted.
The lady from box, Casey, and Jones ran into the building screaming, “There’s a naked unconscious guy outside!!” I started running over to Borders, where I could change back into Hoj clothes. I just escaped the Southglen parking lot when I heard
Adam burst out the door, and screamed, “Unconscious naked guy!? Where? I wanna see!”
I got changed, and walked back to Southglen. I walked through the front door, and headed back to talk to Casey. I got halfway through the lobby, when I was stopped by Adam.
“Hey Josh. How ya doin?” He said, putting his hand on my shoulder. “I heard...”
“I’m not gay!!” I yelled at him, pushing him into the mirror.
I continued back, started rounding the bend when the lady from box ran up to the injured Adam, and put her hand out. He grabbed on, then she lifted him up, and flipped him over her. Sending him flying into the other mirror. She walked back to box, clapping her hands with a smile on her face.
“So Hoj, couldn’t find Condiment Man huh?”
“Nope, he was too quick I guess.” Just then my Condiment Sense went off.
“Well, I’ll... ehh... talk to ya later, I gotta go.” I ran off, into a side bathroom, and changed into my Condiment Man clothes. I ran out, and saw the condiment bar ran out of relish packets. I reached deep into my belt, and grabbed a few handfuls, filling the little tub up. “Ahh... saved this day twice.”
Jones came out of the office, “Condiment Man, let me see your ticket stub.”
“Ehh... You ran out of relish, I filled it up.”
He looked over at it. “No, it’s been like that all day. You’re going to hafta leave.”
I walked down to the side door, Jones following close behind, I pushed the door open, and sat down next to the CM robot. I grabbed the robots arm spring, and dragged him off to the nearby field. “Hey! Anybody home!” I shouted into the microphone.
“Condiment Man. You tried to kill my friend. Now you will die.”
“I havn’t tried to kill anyone. Who are you? Who are you talking about?”
“All you’re questions will be answered, soon. Meet me at Quick Trip, on 151st, at midnight.”
“All right, I’ll be there.”
“Good, see ya then.”
I smashed the microphone, and ran back home to see what time it was. Only 11:45. I jumped into the Condiment Mobile, and drove down to the QT. I parked, and headed inside to get a quick crap. I stepped up onto the sidewalk, when someone yelled,
“You will die!” I spun around, and saw who had yelled it. Stupendous Boy.
“Hey, you’re not dead!”
“No, but you soon will be.” he said with an evil look on his face.
“Oh no! A rent-a-sidekick thinks he’s going to kill me!” I said sarcastically.
“No, he’s not, I am.” I recognized his voice as the person I was talking to through the robot.
“So, you are the evil mastermind behind this?” I asked.
“You could say that.” He stepped out into the light. “I am No Hands. You tried to kill my friend here, and because of that, I will kill you!”
“You do too have hands. Right there, two of ‘em.”
He walked up close to me, and waived his fists in front of my face, “No, these are fists! Not Hands!”
I put my arms into the air, and backed away slowly, “Hey man, you don’t need to get all violent over there!”
I was so busy trying to get away from No Hands’ fists I didn’t notice Stupendous Boy sneak around behind me. I was hit in the back of the head with a free sample cup, filled with French Vanilla crap. It was hot, and would probably leave a mark, but I didn’t show it. I clenched my teeth, spun around, and kicked the sample cup in his other hand back into his face.
“Ahhh!! My eyes, my eyes!” He screamed, running around in circles.
No Hands took this opportunity to run inside and get some Eskimo Pies. With the wrappers removed, he somehow stuck them in between his fingers. He lunged, and sliced at me. I jumped back, the ice cream sliding off the stick, making a loud splat as they collided with the ground.
With No Hands off balance, I took a quick step forward, and kicked the ice cream into his face. He reared back, screaming, “Ahhh!! Cold! Cold!” Trying to claw the bits of chocolate coating out of his eyes.
“I see my work here is done.” I started walking back to the car. I stepped off the sidewalk, when a cop car pulled up.
“Need a ride somewhere?” he asked.
“Not me, I think then might though, if you know what I mean.” I said while pointing at No Hands and Stupendous Boy.
“Gotcha, I’m pretty sure they’ll get a couple rides where there goin’.”