A not so long time ago, in a country pretty far, far away...
A boy named Babu made his way out of the bustling Pakistani city of Islamabad. He had been walking for some time in the heat, and paused shortly to wipe the sweat from his brow. Babu looked up, blocking the sun with his arm, and squinted to see his destination, the small hut of his mentor, Akmed.
A look of desperation came across him as he realized how far he had left to go, and wished he had brought more water. He hoped he wouldn’t pass out from sun stroke as he trudged on through the heat. After lurching about twenty feet, he fell forward, grabbing hold of the door frame, and gave a rhythmic knock on the door. A few seconds later, the door creaked open, and a white robed Akmed stood in the doorway.
“Greetings Babu, please come in.”
“Hello Akmed, how are you on this fine day?”
“Not so good, I am feeling a disturbance in the force,” Akmed said sternly.
“A disturbance?” Babu screamed, “Which one is it? It’s normal isn’t it, I’ve always felt the normal force was a troublemaker.”
“No,” Akmed said, “I just heard that line on some boring American movie and always wanted to use it. But I do sense something big is approaching us quickly, and will change our lives forever.”
There was a long pause as they sat and stared at each other, trying to absorb this new turn of events. Then Babu broke the silence, “Is your mom coming to visit?”
Akmed glared evilly at Babu, “Listen to Jerry.”
“Huh?” Babu replied.
“Remember that always,” Akmed said, then chuckled.
Akmed started toward his kitchen, when a rumbling came from outside. A blinding white light shot through the window, causing Akmed and Babu to gaze in awe, like deer mesmerized by a cars headlights.
Akmed heard a voice in his head, calling him outside. In a daze, he slowly walked forward, and pulled the door open. It was then that he saw the massive black ship hovering over his small house. He felt his arms raise up so his open hands were stuck just below his waist. A motor sound came from the ship, and Akmed looked up to see that the center of the ship was directly overhead, and a round opening on the bottom of the ship was growing bigger. Akmed could only see bright white light in the hole, which shot out in a pillar surrounding him. He could feel his body getting lighter, getting pulled up into the ship. Then everything went dark.
*****
When the blackness faded away, Akmed found himself standing before a dozen creatures that were almost human. Their body’s were that of a big child, only greener, and their heads were huge, with dark black eyes that covered most of the face.
One of the aliens in front of Akmed walked forward a few steps, and said, “We are from a planet called Moinda, in a galaxy far, far away. My name is Cicen, and I am the leader of my people. This is my wife Moneke, and our child Laa.” A smaller alien stepped forward, and smiled at Akmed. “We sensed your mental powers across the Universe, and came to ask you to teach her some of your knowledge.”
“Well, sure. I would love to,” Akmed said happily.
A smile shot across Laa and her parents’ faces, and they led Akmed back to a mostly bare room. A table and a few chairs were its only furnishings, and the walls were painted a dull gray.
“Have fun Laa,” Moneke said, then she and Cicen shut the door, and headed off.
“Let’s start with something simple, pulling a rabbit out of a hat,” Akmed said.
After a while, Laa mastered the fine art of pulling a rabbit out of a hat, sawing people in half, and making quarters appear behind people’s ears. Then her smile faded, “I want to learn something more powerful, like shooting fire, or,” she took a step back, and black shadows covered her face, “false condiment sense activation.”
“Hmm... Well you do seem like a kid who could use this power for good. I’m not sure if you are ready for it though.”
“Of course I’m ready! I can handle the power, I promise,” Laa pleaded.
Akmed paced back and forth, wondering if he should teach Laa this magnificent power. After a few minutes of pacing, Akmed figured that their probably wouldn’t be anyone that would have condiment sense. “All right,” Akmed said, “the power will be yours.”
A few hours later, Laa mastered the skill. Noticing night was approaching quickly, Laa said, “Thank you for teaching me false condiment sense activation Akmed, I should be getting to bed now. I will talk to you in the morning,” Laa said while creeping out into the hallway.
“Goodnight Laa,” Akmed said, then wandered the ship looking for a room. He finally found one a few doors down from Cicen’s, and fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
As the crew slept, Laa stalked the corridors of the ship, clenching tightly to a bizarre sword that glowed in the dark. She moved quickly and silently, heading straight for her parents room with only one thought on her mind, her parents must die.
She stood outside her parents room, the blade inches from her face, and the cold glow revealed no emotion in Laa’s face. She quickly typed her password into the keypad on the wall, and the door slid silently open.
Cicen sat happily in the audience. He reached over and held his wives hand as the announcer called out the next name.
“The next contestant is Cicen! Cicen, come on down!!”
“Yeah!” Cicen screamed as he jumped up into the air. He turned and kissed his wife, then headed down to the stage as the rest of the audience cheered and applauded. “Hey Bob!”
“Hi Cicen, what’s your shirt say? ‘Moinda loves you Bob’ I like it, here’s a billion dollars!” Bob shouted into his little microphone.
Cicen yelled and clapped, and the audience chanted, “Go Cicen! Go Cicen!”
The crowd settled, and Bob asked for the next item up for bids. A really big jar of peanut butter was lead out, and was sat in front of the bidders.
“Now for the bidding, normally, we would start with Cicen, but since he’s just the man, we’re going to start with Bill. What’s your bid Bill?”
“Well,” Bill said, turning to the lady next to him, “I’ve been cheating on you.”
“Wha -beeeeep-” she screamed, then punched Bill in the face.
“Why you little -beep- -beeeeeeep- -beeep-” Bill screamed.
Then two big guys jumped out of the audience and held the two apart. “Hey, this isn’t the Springer show. You’re outa here.”
“Bob! Bob! Bob!” Cicen chanted.
“Well Cicen, since the other contestants have been disqualified, it looks like you get to come on up here!” said Bob. “So do you watch the show often?”
“Whenever I’m in the galaxy Bob.”
The crowd laughed hysterically, and Bob ushered out a new car as Cicen’s prize. “All you have to do is guess the price of the car exactly, and it’s yours! What’s the first number in the price of the car?”
“Umm... One Bob.”
“Let’s see, is it a one?” A panel slid aside, and a one was revealed. “What’s the second number?”
“I’m gonna hafta to with a five Bob.”
“Is the next number a five?” The panel slid, and a five was revealed. “The third number?”
“Six,” Cicen replied.
“Is it a six?” The panel moved, revealing a six. “Yes it is! What’s the next number?”
“Three Bob.”
“Is the next number a three?” The panel slid, and a three was revealed. “Now if you pick the last number, the car is yours. What is that last number?”
“Is it a five?”
The panel slid to the side, and a five was revealed, then Bob plunged his silly microphone in Cicen’s chest. He stumbled back, and fell onto the ground, then the world stared to fade.
His eyes snapped open, and kneeling over him was his daughter Laa, plunging the glowing sword deeper into his chest. He looked up at Laa’s emotionless face, and let out a scream which echoed throughout the room.
Moneke was awakened by the horrific scream, and simply rolled over and said, “It’s just a bad dream honey, go back to sleep.”
“Laa, I am your father,” Cicen whispered, hoping to bring her to her senses. It became harder for him to breathe, and he had to struggle to take in air.
A few seconds later, Laa yanked the sword from her dead father, and held the tip of the glowing blade inches from her mother’s neck. “I think it’s time to amputate,” Laa said quietly, then raised the sword over her head, then brought it quickly down. With a bloody ka-chunk, Moneke’s head was free from her body.
Laa raised the blood drenched sword high into the air, “I am now the leader of my people! I am the leader of the CFaPOTE!!”
*****
Akmed was awakened by a bunch of voices shouting various things, and many people running around the corridor outside his room. He slowly crept out of bed, and made his way out into the hallway.
Guards were everywhere, and were running around with blasters drawn. They held back large groups of people that were trying to get a peek at the crime scene, and took pictures of the room.
“What the heck’s going on?” Akmed said to himself.
“Somebody killed Cicen and Moneke, and Laa has been made queen,” said some guy.
“Holy monkeys wearing hats!” Akmed said, then returned to his room. Thinking that Laa was behind the slaying, he meditated, focusing on her. He saw nothing but black, “Dang, false condiment sense activation has corrupted her. She must be stopped,” he said to himself. Akmed paced back and forth, wondering just how he could stop her.
He then noticed a racquetball sitting on the floor next to his bed, and had an idea. Akmed focused his goodness on the ball, flooding it with some of his good power, knowing that if the ball would make contact with Laa, the good and bad would cancel out.
Akmed clenched the ball tightly, then walked back out into the hall. “Hmm... I wonder where I could find Laa.”
“Go straight down that way, turn left, then go through the big doors,” said the same guy.
Akmed followed the guy’s directions, but paused shortly before going through the big doors. He brought the ball up to his chest, and held it with his other hand. He prepared himself like he had seen pitchers do before throwing a pitch, then when he felt sufficiently calm, kicked the door open.
A dozen guards, six on each side, plus Laa in the middle across the room, all jerked their heads at the intruder. Akmed, knowing he must act quickly, threw the ball at Laa. It glided through the air, then slammed into the wall, missing its target by a few yards. Laa laughed hysterically at the horrible shot, and the guards pulled out their blasters, aiming them at Akmed.
“Stand down, I want to fight him alone,” Laa cackled. The guards gave her a puzzled look, then holstered their weapons and stepped back into position.
The blue ball ricocheted around the room, then bounced back towards Akmed. He snapped his hand toward the ball, and with a painful smack, caught the ball. He brought the ball back to ready position, and watched Laa pull off the black cloak, revealing a shiny space suit, also black. Laa pulled the glowing sword from its sheath, then slowly stepped towards Akmed.
Akmed faked a throw, and Laa charged and swung down at him. Akmed, knowing the attack was coming leaped to the ground, and rolled out of the way. He quickly stopped his rolling, and while kneeling on the ground, whipped the ball at Laa.
Laa spun quickly around to face her enemy after the failed attack, and watched the blue ball fly past her head. Akmed was now defenseless, and Laa was quick to take action. The glowing sword flew above her head, then it tried to jerk out of her hand. Barely clinging onto the weapon, she brought it down on Akmed. It was then she realized she only had half a sword. Laa looked down, and saw the tip of her sword, and the ball rolling slowly away from her.
“Open fire!” Laa screamed.
The troops drew their blasters, and started shooting. Akmed was already moving when the order was shouted. The trooper fire exploded the ground behind him, as he sprinted toward the blue ball.
Laa watched in horror as her idiotic troops aimed at Akmed, shot, missed, and hit another guard. By now about half her troops were dead, and the rest were wounded, and would probably die within the hour.
Akmed grabbed hold of the ball, then took off for the door, dodging the few shots coming from guards that were still alive enough to shoot. As he entered the hall, he heard Laa screaming, then seconds later, the lights flashed red, and an annoying buzzer sounded.
“How the heck do I get off this ship!” Akmed shouted at the sound of running guards grew louder.
“Well, go down this hallway, turn left, then take the stairs down; you don’t want to get stuck in the elevator. Then just stand on the transporter, and have Scott beam you down,” said the same guy.
“Tanks,” Akmed said, then took off down the hallway. He took a left, and the flashing lights started to give him a headache. Something bright screamed past him, then slammed into the wall and exploded, taking out a huge chunk of the wall with it. Akmed knew the guards had caught up with him, and he had to get to the stairs quickly, or he would be turned into a pile of mush on the floor.
Akmed lept down the stairs, just as a bunch of shots from the guards rifles flew past. He could hear the flurry of explosions as he spiraled his way down the stairs. As the bottom grew closer, Akmed felt ever more like he would survive.
“Ok troops, he has to go through this hallway to make it to the transporter. Set your pistols on infrared, and take aim. Laa wants this guy dead,” shouted a guard.
They stood at the ready, and as the last guard drew his weapon, the door burst open. The guards opened fire, hitting their target every time, but Akmed didn’t fall. He didn’t even show any signs that the shots fazed him at all. He just shoved his way through the three lines of CFaPOTE, and entered the transporter room.
“Beam me down Scott!” Akmed yelled, then jumped on the huge white circle.
“Yessir,” Scott said, then pushed a few buttons.
Slowly, Akmed could feel himself being pulled up, the ground below him slowly opened up, and everything went black.
*****
The black quickly faded, and he found himself standing outside his house. The black CFaPOTE ships lights flickered, and smoke billowed out of a few holes in the ship. Engines whirred, and in a flash on light, the ship was just another star in the sky.
Akmed turned, and walked into his house, happy to be back. As he stepped inside, Babu looked up from his card game with a smile.
“Hey Akmed. Did you get probed?” Babu asked, with a smile creeping across his face.
Akmed gave Babu an evil look, then replied, “We must move to America, condiment capital of the world, and wait for Condiment Man to be born. I will give him this... Ball O’ Blue, and with it, he will destroy Laa.”
“Condiment Man!? Are you serious?” Babu chuckled.
“Yes,” Akmed said sternly, “I will live in Overland Park, and you will live in New York. We must start our journey now.”